Even more to update about

Just so I don't forget to include this, I want to mention that both the girls have really been into fixing hair lately.  Mostly it has been Ailey that really has the fascination with Brea following along because she wants to do what her big sister is doing. ;)  Ailey has been more concerned with her hair looking nice and she has consistently worked on my hair.  Right now, they are each brushing and "fixing" one side of my head of hair each.  Its very interesting trying to type in the process. :)

Okay, on to more happenings in this household.  We basically had a lot of things transition and shift around the same time within the last three months.  Its been a very interesting and challenging time.  Lots of good has come out of it all, for sure, but some of it had the pain of a birthing process.   For a while now we have been a part of a house church located in Round Rock.  It has been completely AMAZING!  We pretty much got adopted and adopted them right back.  They are fantastic peeps and I am soooo blessed to call them family AND friends.  The fellowship and relationship is so rewarding and compelling and it feels like home.  In addition to being part of that, I was also going to a church also located in Round Rock.  Round Rock is a good hour away, so were doing a bunch of driving on Sundays. ;)  The other church, True Life Fellowship, is also completely wonderful!  The atmosphere that they have invited there is also like coming home, but in a larger setting.  God is doing amazing things in both places and being a part of both families has been such a good thing.

Recently Sam shared a desire for a closer place to go and build relationships.  I told him that if he could find something similar with like hearted peeps, I was all in.  I believe Daddy God has a heart to see his kiddos all be like hearted despite having different purposes and callings in life.  I have a dream of sorts that someday, no matter where on earth a family of believers happens to be located, that anyone that is part of the larger family of believers or someone who has never met Jesus can walk into that place and it feels like coming home.  So, he had been introduced to a church through some different people over the course of several years, but it hadn't worked out to visit and this seemed like it was the right time.  We walked in and by the end of it all, it felt like coming home.  We are loving where God is leading and the amazing things He is doing and it is just exciting on a whole new level we didn't even know was possible!  While we won't be able to go to True Life very often, we will still be going to house church on a regular basis.  The cool thing is, I believe we are supposed to be connected to each one of these families for specific reasons and God is making a way for it to happen.

Something else that has been in the works since the beginning of last fall is the process of me going back to college.  I found out that my education benefits had been changed and that I had 5 more years than I had previously.  Much of the framework has been done.  I still have a bit more to get turned in and then will have to wait until registration for the fall semester.  The biggest question was what was the best option for the kids.  There is a Christian school not too far from our house and not too far from the college and seemed like the perfect answer.  In pursuing this option, I knew it would be a bit of an uphill battle because we were so far behind this year in home school.  We started out at a great pace at the beginning of the year, but between holidays and sickness from Thanksgiving on, we were limping along on into March. It felt for a long time that our days were chaotic and ruling us instead of orderly and time being used wisely.  This was also around the time when I got fed up with being tired all the time.

There were two things we had to do before the kids could be enrolled in the school.  We had to come in for a family interview and then there would be a follow up evaluation to place the boys in the appropriate grades.  The girls were no problem because Ailey would be starting Kindergarten and Brea would be in pre-K.  The family interview went well and though I noticed some personality differences, I wasn't overly concerned about anything at that point.  Rather than being concerned with my kids being able to do the learning part of being in a school, I was way more concerned with how they would handle having to sit in a classroom and behave in a very structured system since that really hasn't been their homeschool experience.  They've always done well in their co-op classes and at AWANA and VBS, but I was still a little concerned about that transition.

When we came back for the evaluation, I again informed the person we were meeting with that we were way behind and that we were in the process of catching up.  There was also a rather large difference in curriculum and the way the information is presented.  It all just went downhill from there.  There was definite personality conflict with the evaluator with both the boys and lots of irritation with the boys not being able to do the things she was presenting.  While I did listen to the whole process, I was outside the room and did not interfere.  I wanted to see how the boys would do with someone else instructing them.  Since, I had not had any sort of reference pertaining to dealing with a Christian private school and the whole process, I didn't know what should be normal procedure and what should be a warning flag.

After the evaluation was done, I went in and spoke to the evaluator by myself and it was the first time any sort of irritation and disdain has been aimed at me for homeschooling and not doing it someone else's way.  It was a very surreal situation.  After the person explained to me that the boys were no where near where the kids in the school were, being at least a year to a year and a half ahead of public school kids, that she could not place them in the school.  The girls were still welcome, but the boys would not be.  I asked about tutoring, reminding this person about us being behind in our schedule, as I thought there might be a curriculum presentation difference as well and if we could have someone get the boys familiar with their curriculum it might make a big difference.  That was shot right down with a short statement of, "We don't do tutoring."  It was suggested we might try sylvan learning center, though this person had no experience with them or how they operate.  I was nearly in desperation mode with trying to find some way to make it still work out.  I came home trying not to cry and be completely discouraged and got online and looked up the curriculum they use to see if it would be feasible to maybe switch over to it at the point.  There was also no guarantee that there would be openings in the school for them if we went back in the summer to re-evaluate.  Honestly, I was a bit beside myself and asking God if I had gotten it wrong about me going back to school.

I felt immediate peace about that and then decided to get some advice from someone who had home schooled and then put their kiddo into Christian private school.  I called my sis-in-law and asked her what she did to get her kiddo ready for that kind of transition.  I ended up explaining what had just happened and instead of giving me a plan of action dealing with curriculum, she informed me that she was very concerned that the evaluator (who also holds a position of authority in the administration as well as being a teacher there) responded to the kids with irritation and impatience as well as being unwilling to work with me at all with any other options.  She said that the school her kids go to wanted her kids there and wanted their family to be a part of the school and they were willing to go to great lengths to support the transition of getting them to where they needed to be.  There are teachers who tutor in the summer months for extra money and there were book lending options to get familiarized with the curriculum and several more things that really made me ponder everything about my experience.  After that, I felt a lot better and instead of wallowing in discouragement and self-pity I decided that things needed to change as far as the way I operated on a daily basis and that though the school I was aiming at for my kids to attend might be completely fantastic for other families, it was just not a good fit for ours.  It was God giving me a definitive no for that place.

Several things happened over the next few days.  I asked God to give me creative ideas of what to do about the kids and school.  I also downloaded an app called Daily Routine and put our entire home school schedule complete with alarms when each subject starts and when it is time for breaks including meal prep and meal time.  I also made a commitment to get myself out of bed an hour earlier with the goal of shifting that to an even earlier time at a later date to begin to mimic how the schedule will be in the fall.  This is also right about the time that I changed how we are eating so I also downloaded a meal planner and am steadily working on incorporating that into daily life.  The routine app has been a wonderful thing!  Because I was able to compartmentalize our day, I have been able to do double days of school and we have done about 7 weeks worth of school in the last 4.  We are almost where we should be and should be done with school mid-June.  Its a relief and I'm loving the orderliness of it all!

The kids are learning a ton and retaining it and for the most part, aside from disliking how regimented it is ;p, they are thriving.  So good.  The most ironic thing is that a good chunk of the things that they didn't know at the evaluation because they hadn't been introduced to it yet in our curriculum was in fact introduced within the next couple of weeks. :)

God also very much answered my plea and gave me the idea of having someone come in and sub for me 2 mornings each week while I have to be in class, so we will still be homeschooling.  We have someone who is praying about taking the job.  It would be a very good fit for our family, but we want to make sure it is a good fit for her as well.  I just know as soon as that was an option, all the craziness just calmed down and there was peace again.  Putting the kids in school would have had new challenges for us and been a lot of work in its own way.  Home schooling while I'm going to school will have its own challenges as well, but we really think its the way to go for our family.

Another idea was putting them in a Christian school that is much farther away.  I called to find out more info and shared what had happened in my earlier experience with the other school.  She said they test using the Stanford Achievement Test and that they do have teachers who tutor in their off months.  She also asked if we would be willing to have the kids repeat their current grade.  At first, my pride took hold and I didn't even want to consider it, but almost immediately I squashed that down because I want what is best for the kids.  Sam and I talked about it and he didn't have a problem with that option.  In the end, I felt I could really get us caught up and it wouldn't even be an issue. While we don't think putting them into this school is right for this next year, it is still an option for future ones if it is a good fit for our family.

Braden Logic

My 9-year-old-soon-to-be-10-year-old son, Braden just took a shower.  After he got out and dressed, he came up to me and gave me a hug and I got a whiff of his hair.  Gross!  Had.not.been.washed.  So I asked him if he washed his hair and he said yes.  I clarified, "Did you shampoo your hair?"  The truth was revealed, but he had good kid reasoning in progress.  He said no, but he had stayed in there under the water for a long time.  Obviously, the water cleaned him for him so he didn't have to bother actually using any sort of cleaning media.  I told him to get back in the shower and shampoo his hair and while he was on his way I asked him if he's bothered to wash his body with soap.  Looking appropriately guilty he confessed he had not.  REALLY?!?!?!  Double EW!  Apparently, we need to focus more attention on developing his problem solving and reasoning skills.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know!  Three posts in less than four month-spaced increments...nobody freak out.  We all just need to stay really calm and read on.  Yes, yes I did just type that.

The hearts in the pots are the extent of my Valentine's decorations this year.  It is better than the previous year that had a whole lotta nada.

Now I must share my roadside find.  Can you believe someone threw out that mid century modern shelf/curio cabinet?!?!?!  Admittedly is was broken on one side, but I showed it some drilling, wood glue and dowel rod love and then put the same on the other side so it would look the same and it is good as new!  I love me some trash to treasure!  It is supposed to have sliding glass doors on the front, but only one of the pieces of glass was still intact.  I may or may not try and get another made and reinstall them.  I also may just use that brown board stuff hanging out against the wall to the left there (can't remember what its called right now) and make 2 door panels with recessed pulls...or I may just leave it open like this...  I don't know yet.  It is completely awesome regardless and I am loving it!  When I get our bedroom sorted out, I'll take pics in there to show what I did with the entryway table I built back in the summer.  I feel like my Heavenly Daddy just gives me a kiss and says, here ya go..here's a gift for you, when my path intersects with fun finds like this.  I know it seems like an odd gift to some, but its along the same lines as Sam giving me power tools and gadgets as gifts.  I'm just that kind of woman.

I decided to split up the kids into separate rooms again.  It seems to be working better.  I found a full-sized bed for the girls room.  I was going to try and find a set of bunk beds for them, but realistically, they wouldn't sleep in them.  They would end up on the floor.  Plus, we really need something for when people come to visit and stay the night.  So far the full size has worked very well...once they actually go to sleep.  I'm having lots of fun putting both of the rooms together.  Today, I am in the process of putting together a paper chandelier for the girls/guest room.  This is my inspiration:

photo by Ashley Ann Photography - http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/06/30/entering-the-girl-world-the-nursery/

Its so, so pretty!  I really love how she pulled all of the elements together in her nursery. I have plenty of paper pom-poms from previous birthdays, but I wanted to add a few of these:

(the link for this is ladybird-ladybird-paige.blogspot.com , but the blog is no longer there...)

So, this is my version:

I was finally able to use up quite a bit of scrap book paper I've collected over the years.  I'm hoping I get to finish out the whole thing today some time, but well, it may run over into tomorrow's activities.

I still have a bedspread/quilt to either buy or make for the bed.  I decided on the fabric for the curtains, but still have to go buy it and sew them up.  I still haven't decided on a rug, but I've got a couple to choose from in my stash and if those don't work, then I'll be on the look out for a new one.  Then, I'll deal with the walls and what to put on them.  No biggie, right?!

Last night, when the girls finally went to sleep, I got some sleeping pics of them.  I attempted to do the same with the boys, but there was no light at all in their room.  Then we had a bit of an impromptu photo shoot.

I would just like to point out that not one time did I use an emoticon in this post....not once!  It was a struggle, but I proved it is possible.  In future, I will probably overcompensate for this post with random, ill-placed smiley/frowny/disturbed faces in other posts....it'll make me feel better.

Basketball fun

Ugh!  I've been such a slacker about posting...as usual.  Well, its on my radar again, although there are no guarantees on consistency.  We are working on getting our house in sell-condition.  Everything else is taking a back burner for now.  I've got plenty to update on, just not enough time to get it done.  Eh...its the way it goes. :)

So, I'll let you in on our Saturday mornings of late.  Braden decided he wanted to play Upwards Basketball as his Christmas present, so he has been playing on Saturday mornings and also going to practice during the week.  This is the first team sport he has been involved with.  Its pretty neat to see him learn to work on a team and to improve his understanding of how to play the game.

After the first game and much expectation from Ailey about being a cheerleader (she wasn't old enough this time ;), I decided the other kids needed cheer shirts and accessories.  So, off to Hobby Lobby I went and brought home the necessities.  Here is what I came up with:

Ailey kept asking for pom-poms, so with the help of ideas resulting from a google search, some plastic table cloths, metallic "tissue" paper and some electrical tape, VIOLA!, pom-poms! :)  I made a pennant for Zekes because he needed something to wave, though he had a pretty good time shaking the girls' pom-poms, too. ;)  All the shirts got some glitter paint treatment because, let's be honest, boys need bling, too.

They had a really great time cheering for Braden at his game and rockin' their new gear.

Also, I am, apparently,  a rather vocal supporter of my son's team.  GO RED RAIDERS!

Braden is 9!

Happy birthday to our smart, kind, clever, inventive, fun, funny, silly, brave, energetic, thoughtful, wonderful boy-o!  We are pretty sure that life somehow got fast-forwarded while we weren't looking and you just jumped to being 9. :)  We love you so much and are so blessed that God gave you to us so we can walk beside you in this life.  What anadventure we have had so far and what an adventure is still to come!  We release showers of blessing and wisdom and love over you in abundance!  Oh, happy day!

Braden wanted a NASA birthday.  Again, no invite-everyone-and-go-way-over-the-top party for this year.  That's next year's craziness. ;)  I did decorate and do it up boy-style.  We don't want anything too girly in this house for boy birthdays.  Just ask the boys if you don't believe me. :)  Braden helped me hang some stuff and he was very specific in the planning part of it all.  I really like it when the kids are that involved with their party planning.  I'm looking forward to when they get even more involved.  Let's just say that there should be no excuse for any of them not being able to pull off surprise parties and all the fullness thereof when they are older! ;)

Don't you love it when you can use a 40% AND 50% off coupon at michael's at the same time?!  Me, too!  I got a few things there including these cake wires:

In my perusal of the cake decorating aisle, I came across and find that I am in want of this baby in the not-so-far-off future:


I also got a few things at Hobby Lobby (totally busted out the 40% off coupon there, too. :)  I'm loving the paper lanterns and pinwheel thingymabobs lately.  I printed off the space shuttles and the garland and viola! just enough deco for a 9-year-old boy. :)

 First, we had his birthday breakfast.  He chose to have pancakes with only peanut butter chips in his.

 We all really liked how the cake turned out looking....the actual cake part, though, was NOT impressive.  This was actually the second failed attempt.  I was trying to make the raspberry lemon cake from Taste of Home, but it doesn't do well in anything other than several shallow round or square pans.  Eh, it would work in sheet cake form, too.  I tried to cook it in my pampered chef batter bowl first so that I could have the dome shape, but it never got done in the middle and the outside got burned.  So, when I was at Michael's, even though I had decided not to get a special pan, I went ahead and got the ball pan and tried it again in that.  It still didn't get done in the middle!  Ugh!  More like a gelatin than cake which makes for a very unpleasant experience.  Bummer.  The planets were pretty good though.  I just made them from rice crispy treats and marshmallow fondant and then used gel food coloring mixed with almond extract to paint them.  A special thanks to Kristen H. for helping me cover the planets in the fondant!  It would have taken me fo'evah otherwise.  I picked up some better Duff paint brushes while I was at it. (I'm starting to see a trend here... ;)  Next time, I'll just turn a plain yellow cake into lemon yumminess or maybe a lemon pound cake...mmmmmm.  Braden is a lemon fanatic, too. :)

The silliness is strong with this one!

Everyone was excited about getting their own planet to eat. :)

Braden said the best part was when I took him by himself to the store and said that he could choose what he wanted up to $10.  (He also got an Academy gift card later.)  Let me tell you, this kid bargain shopped!  He found that green dart gun in the pics on the clearance shelf for $4.48, got a few extra bullets for it on the clearance shelf for $1.98 and then went and got three hot wheels cars for $.97 a piece.  He was excited about his haul AND about not spending the whole $10!  These are exciting times, folks!  It will be a beautiful day when I get him all in to couponing. ;)  (He does already have a grasp on the Hobby Lobby coupon...it has begun:)

Poor LerLoo!

Ailey's growth spurts are somewhat painful for her at times.  She actually has growing pains in her legs.  They are the kind that wake her out of a dead sleep and require motrin to calm the pain down enough to get her back to sleep. :/  She has had them pretty consistently.  When she first had them at around a year and a bit, I honestly didn't know what was going on.  She would just lay there and hold her legs and cry.

Last night was another growing pain episode and at a little before 3 am in a very groggy state I managed to get up, bust out the ever trusty boo-boo pack and motrin and get us back to sleep, Ailey preferring the hallway and me preferring my bed. :)

According to Zekey

Apparently a 4 year old and a 5 year old can make a 9 year old, but a 3 year old and a 5 year old just makes an 8 year old. :)

Wondering and sadness

Yesterday was Brea's 2nd birthday and it was a neat time just celebrating her.  This past few days has been hard, though.  I've been in a really bad habit of going to bed super late and getting up super late and throwing off our routine and just being out of sorts.  I've been really sad a lot, too, mostly at night.  I think that is why I've been going to sleep so late, sort of trying to keep myself occupied enough to not have to get overtaken by grief. It definitely caught up with me today, though.  I've been crying off and on all day and just so, so sad.  I was trying my best to get to bed at a decent hour so that I wouldn't be so grumpy  tomorrow, but I can't stop thinking about my little boy.  I keep thinking what does he look like?  Does he have red hair like Brea and Braden or does he have dark brown hair like Zekes and Ailey?  Or is he an anomaly with blond hair?  Does he have freckles?  Is he fair-skinned or darker?  What does his voice sound like?  Is he funny or serious?  I wonder if he is full grown in heaven or is he a child?  I ache to hold him and spend time with him and just be in his company.  It makes me so sad that he isn't here to laugh and play around with his brothers and sisters, get irritated that they have a toy he wants to play with and just do life with us all.  I miss him so much.  So much.  I miss all the things I won't get to do with him.  He won't have birthday parties or turn 2.  He won't have first words or learn to crawl and then walk.  He won't learn his abc's and then learn to read and write.  He won't draw me pictures to hang on the fridge.  I grieve for the loss of all of that.

I had a friend share that as for the losses that she has experienced, it has actually gotten harder as time has passed because there are experiences you want to share with that person and you just can't and its heart wrenching.  My new reality is that my kids' birthdays will be both happy and sad occasions for me because Moses won't ever be that age and his smiling face won't be in the pictures with his brothers and sisters.  Its a painful and challenging perspective to have.

Crazy Hair Day

The pics are pretty self explanatory. ;)

Happy Birthday, Brea!

Our little ooo-baby turned 2!  Seriously, time is just ticking right along!

Brea's birthday was a fun affair.  We mostly just chilled and kept saying happy birthday to her.  It wasn't as big of a to-do as Ailey's mostly because, well, she's 2.  She likes baby dolls and pretty much anything her siblings are playing with that she can't have at the moment. ;)  The next 2 years will involve her interests more and she'll be involved in the planning.  I'm really looking forward to that!  I still decorated just for her and she got cupcakes.  I've seen that she's more into cookies than cake, so we may be going with a cookie cake next year. ;)

The paper lantern balls in the pics are from Michael's and I got a great price for them!  I love it when I can use one of their 40% off 1 item coupled with 25% of entire purchase coupons!  Woohoo!  Hopefully, they will last for many years to come...especially if I can keep the girls from playing with them like they are actual bouncy balls!  Oy.

Okay, brea got a chocolate chip pancake breakfast.  She was funny because she didn't really know what was going on, though she did a good job waiting to blow out her candles on the pancakes and cupcakes later on while we sang happy birthday to her.

Ailey had help blowing out her candles on her cake, so she decided that Brea needed her help blowing out her candles on the cupcakes.  I think Brea will like blowing out her own candles next year. ;)

When it came time to open her presents, I started her out, but she soon got the hang of it herself and was excited about her hello kitty doll and her vtech phone.  She is a phone fanatic!  She wouldn't stop swiping mine and Sam's phones, so we figured she needed her own. :)  The funny thing was that the other kiddos wanted to play with her phone so much!  We have a standing rule that presents don't have to be shared on the day they are received so that the person gets to actually play with their gifts.  The gifts usually end up getting shared all around after about 30 minutes, anyway.

All in all, we had a good day celebrating Brea. :)

Precious Brea-oo,

You are such a delight!  We are excited to see what God has built into you as you grow and blossom.  We are so proud of our beautiful, lovely, wonderful baby girl!  We love you sooooo much!  Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Happy Birthday, Lerloo!

Today our Ailey turned 4!  She's really 4...WOW!  Four whole years...some days she seems ageless and other days I think that surely she can't be as old as she is.

I've started a habit that might turn into tradition of every other year going all out and inviting kiddos and doing the huge birthday party thing.  We did that last year, but I didn't want to be all ho-hum about it on the off years either.  I want the kids to feel very special and focused-upon on their birthdays.  I make a special birthday breakfast for each of them (they get to choose what they want to have) and i put candles in it and they get to blow them out.  This year I'm adding in decorations.  I was thinking about how when we have parties, I usually go all out with the decorations because people are coming over and all that jazz.  There is always an element of impressing there when decorating, but mostly I want to make the atmosphere really fun to be in.  It dawned on me that I should do that for the kids whether we have people coming over or not, just because I think they are special and I want them to feel it the whole day on their birthday.

Ailey is now at that age that she really gets the birthday thing and she was able to be pretty involved in the planning.  She is REALLY into Hello Kitty right now, so I asked if she would like a Hello Kitty birthday and the answer was a resounding YES!  I put time and effort into making the decorations so that I could reuse them again for Brea's birthday and for many to come in the future.  Ailey is pretty interesting.  She definitely has her own sense of style.  She likes pink and purple and shiny and all that, but she's rather specific with it all.  She like a little edginess to it.  So, I thought zebra and polkadots with black and pink would work just fine for her. :)

After it was all said and done, she really loved all of it, especially the marked attention from us!

Dear sweet Lerloo,

We love you so, so much.  You are a bright spot in our lives and your flame gets brighter with each passing day!  You are a joy, a challenge and a ton of fun all rolled into a small, energetic package.  God knew we needed you and we are so grateful to be molded into the parents that you need to grow and become everything you possibly will.  You are lovely, beautiful, smart, fun, talented, amazing, wonderful, incredible and fantastic!  We are so proud of you!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Braden and Lerloo Pics

Pics before church

I don't know if taking pics of all 4 of them without one being blurry is a possibility anymore!  Especially involving the silly kid on the left. ;)

Okay...

Today was the day our baby's body was available to be released from the hospital lab.  I had an emotional day Sunday because I thought the release date was actually yesterday.  Initially, after I went through the miscarriage, I was pretty upset that Moses' body had to be kept at the hospital lab for 14 days and we had to wait to put his little body to rest.  Now, after that amount of time, I nearly don't want to have him go to get cremated because I feel like I am losing him all over again.  I keep having these momentary feelings of sheer panic like somehow I can run far enough away to where this isn't really happening.

Today, after talking to the funeral home, I found out that they are concerned that there won't be enough ashes because his little body is so small.  It was suggested that I bring a blanket with me when I come in tomorrow to finalize the arrangements.  So, I spent all day today finishing crocheting a blanket to be wrapped around my dead baby's body to make enough ashes to put into an urn.  Its not fair.  Everything inside me screams THIS IS NOT RIGHT and I just feel messed up.

During that call, I asked whether it would be possible to get his footprints and possibly take a picture.  They said the footprints shouldn't be a problem, though he might be too young to have actual lines and ridges.  The picture, however, is a wait and see.  She didn't want to promise that if his body hasn't stayed well preserved.  I will know more tomorrow.

I'm not alright.  I'm okay with being not alright.  I'm broken and hurt and in process right now.  I'm okay with that, too.  I cry often, but I am able to laugh, too.  I ache with wanting what I can't have right now.  I want to have my baby here with me alive and well and growing in my body and all of us looking forward to his birthday when we can meet him and hold him and be part of his life and growing process, but that's not going to happen.  I'm not okay with that, yet.  I may be someday, but not today.  I feel like ages have passed since all of this started and yet its only been a little over two weeks.  I feel worn and emotionally and physically ragged and sucked dry of normality.

I could play the blame game.  I could be mad at God that this happened, but I can't.  I know my God.  His heart is breaking right along side mine.  This is an injustice and I serve a just God.  This isn't His heart or part of His Kingdom.  This is destruction.  That's satan's m.o.  I'm not ready for all out war, yet.  I'm still grieving heavily, but I sense in my heart that there will be a day when I will be ready to go after miscarriage with a focused passion.  It just shouldn't be allowed to exist.  Its on the same plane with cancer and anything else on death's team.  It needs to be taken out and replaced with LIFE!

So right now and for as long as it takes, I'm going to be okay with not being okay.  I am going to be okay with the sadness and the tears streaming down my face and sobbing when I get overwhelmed with missing my little boy.  I'm also going to be okay that my life has to go on even though his is not.  It is okay that there are still things that are funny to me and make me laugh.  I have an amazing husband and 4 kiddos here with me now that need me to not be destroyed by this.  I need to not be destroyed by this.  That's a good thing and that's okay, too.

A trip to Waco Zoo

Getting out of the house was a necessity and Zekey had been asking to go to the zoo for a long time.  It was one of his character chart goals and he had achieved it a while back, but the weather was uncooperative.  So, off we went.  I forgot my larger capacity memory card, so I didn't get very many pics.  

The strangest thing I saw was the crazy amount of buzzards all over the place there....weird.

Valentine's Day Balloon Fun

I like to get the kids heart balloons from the Dollar Tree on Valentine's Day.  Isn't amazing how much fun kids have with balloons?!  Brea was especially funny with her balloon. :)

Our baby's death and the journey through the aftermath

It has been a week and I think now is a good time to get my story out.  I think I should start at the beginning...

Sam and I thought we were done for a while (as in several years) or completely with having babies.  My body needed a break and I was starting to enjoy the kids and going places with them and seeing them interact with each other.  Brea stopped nursing right around the year mark and she was now not needing as much marked attention from me.  She's been getting right in the middle of everything with her brothers and sister and its been great!  I was looking forward to the holidays and all the plans I had made.  It was going to be great!

Before I knew I was pregnant, I thought my extreme energy drain was due to getting ready to visit family over Thanksgiving and then the aftermath.  I just thought I was a little worn out.  So, I had already started resting more and keeping up with my eating so I could rebuild my energy levels.  After two weeks of feeling that way, I knew something else was going on.  A pregnancy test confirmed my concern.  I cried.

In all honesty, I was pretty put out with God.  I had felt like there was some sort of an understanding that He would give us a much longer reprieve this time and well, He had messed up my plans.  I also thought He was positioning us in our life for specific ministering purposes and being pregnant just made everything come to a stand still.  So, I didn't understand the purpose of any of that, either.  I was very frustrated.  I also didn't want to have to go through another pregnancy.  I have a hard time with different circumstances throughout my pregnancies and quite frankly didn't want to have to go through another labor and delivery.  Because it hurts! :)  I was really looking forward to a long, long break and that just didn't happen.

Sam wasn't thrilled at first, either, but he had a perspective change nearly right away.  He had to then deal with my yucky attitude.  Ew.  I think its important for me to say that the baby was never an issue for me.  I love our kids and was perfectly fine adding another one to our bunch.  I don't know exactly how I do this, but I see the pregnancy as separate from the baby.  I didn't want to have to deal with the sickness and the fact that Sam has to pick up my slack and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids as well as go to work.  I really hate that part of it the most. :-/  I didn't want have to go through another time of not being able to go and do fun stuff with my family because I just didn't have the energy for it or physically it just wasn't feasible.  Again, I never had animosity towards the actual baby, even though I know the one isn't viable without the other. ;)

After about a week, we had our routine down and I was resigned to having to go through this pregnancy process once more.  I was able to keep the nausea at bay by chomping on sweet tarts and sour jolly ranchers, staying in bed for long periods of time and staying on top of my meals.  I was also already in the habit of going to bed waaay earlier than I normally do.  That kept me from going into the crazy spiral of anxiety, throwing up and then not being able to eat anything and not getting enough sleep.  I only threw up once and it was totally my own doing...involving my mouth guard, peroxide and not rinsing the mouth guard before I stuck it in my mouth.  yeah.

I had a midwife appointment with my fantastic midwife.  I thought I was not as far along as I apparently was due to being able to hear the heartbeat very well and right away, meaning between 10-12 weeks.  Since I wasn't going to do a sonogram until late pregnancy, it would be more apparent how far along I was at my next visit.  The uterus should be at a certain place and I should be feeling the baby move and kick.

About a week or so later, I was feeling some thumping.  Slight mostly, but some solid ones, too.  It just seemed to confirm that I was indeed farther along than I had guestimated.

So, on my next visit, sure enough, my uterus was at the 16 week mark.  She tried and tried to find the heartbeat, but she just couldn't.  I was still dealing with nausea for parts of the day and I was still feeling the thumping, so I wasn't concerned.  Also, its not uncommon for the baby to not cooperate in hearing the heartbeat.  I toyed around with scheduling a sonogram just to see what was going on and to make sure everything was okay.  I did have slight spotting on occasion from the beginning and it would clear up and then come back if I overdid it.  I thought I might have a placenta previa and the blood was from that.  I had had that with Braden.  It was slight, but it had formed a clot over my cervix and would leak out more than normal amounts of blood.  I still didn't think it was something to be concerned about and that it would clear up on its own if that was what was going on.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  I was supposed to be 18 weeks and 2 days.  That was two Fridays ago.  The bleeding had been more consistent that week, but had tapered off again.  I had rearranged our school room that morning and knew I had overdone it, so I put myself on bed rest for the rest of the day to recuperate.  I was still feeling the thumping, but to be honest,  I had started to notice some anomalies.  First, my boobs had been starting their ascent into uncomfortable sizing like they alway do during pregnancy, but they seemed to kind of stop or plateau.  I thought that was odd, but thought it might just be my imagination.  Also, the thumping I was feeling was mostly in one area.  I did feel it in other places around my abdominal area, but very infrequently.  It was mostly on my lower right hand side.  Again, didn't cause much concern, just made me a little suspicious.

That Friday night, I stayed up just a bit longer than usual and noticed that the bleeding had increased and I had passed a few small clots.  I was concerned enough to call the labor and delivery department at the nearest hospital to talk it over with a nurse.  She said I would have to go to the emergency department because I wasn't 20 weeks yet, if I did decide to come in.  She could tell that I was wondering what the cause was, but that I wasn't overly concerned because I could still feel movement and I thought a previa was the culprit.  Plus, I hadn't had any cramping at all.   I decided not to go to the emergency room and to just rest more the next day and see if it would clear up on its own.  I went to bed and had a good night sleep.

The next morning I woke up and the bleeding had increased quite a bit and it was bright red.  I told Sam that I wanted to go ahead and go.  He would stay home with the kiddos and I would drive myself.  Right before I left the house, I passed a huge clot and it scared the mess out of me!  I ran out of the house.  I still hadn't decided which hospital to go to.  I could go to the Scott and White hospital in Temple which would be a good 30 minutes away or I could go to Metroplex which would be 15 mins away.  I was concerned with Metroplex because their facilities had been very antiquated until they partnered with Scott and White.  I didn't know what the status of their emergency room was because I hadn't been there in a while.  I decided to go ahead to Metroplex because it was closer and if Sam ended up having to come to the hospital, it would just be easier access.

On the way to the hospital, I just kept praying, "Please, not the baby, Lord, not the baby!"  In one moment, all that irritation and frustration had melted away and I would deal with anything just to have that sweet little baby be just fine.

I got to the emergency room and was still bleeding very heavily.  I had started to feel a little odd.  My energy was lessening and I had this strange sense of not being okay.  They were very efficient and I didn't have to wait at all.  They got me straight in.  They put me in an exam room and the nurse was very understanding and caring.  She was quite a character. :)  She also tried to find the heartbeat, but couldn't quite get it.  It did sound as though she had found it a couple of times but it was a faint sound and lasted only a second.  I had to wait for a while to get an ultrasound.  I was still bleeding, but I wasn't filling up a whole pad in an hour, so I was still hoping that it was all going to be okay.

I was brought in to have the ultrasound done.  A full normal one as well as a vaginal one had been ordered.  The tech said that it would take about 30 minutes to do the regular one and then if she needed to do the vaginal one it would take a bit longer for that one.  She took several measurements and I asked if she could see the baby and she said not really.  It took less than ten minutes for her to complete her process and then she looked at me and told me she had nothing to show me.  My heart sank.  She said it wouldn't take very long for her to put in her report for the doctor.  I was wheeled back to the exam room.  When I was left alone, I broke down.  I knew then that my baby was dead.

I called Sam and managed to give him the news between sobs.  He was heartbroken and so frustrated that he couldn't come up to the hospital right then.  He started calling around to see if anyone could come over to watch the kids so he could come and be with me.  Our sweet friend Eileen and her daughter dropped what they were doing and started over.  They were a good 30+ minutes away, though, so it would be a bit.

The pace picked up quite a bit after that.  I was put on a saline drip and the doctor came in and told me that the baby measured at 12 weeks according to the ultrasound.  He started citing statistics.  I know he was trying to help and handle a hard situation the only way he was trained, but I was wishing at that moment that he would just go into silent mode and get it all over with. (If you are reading this and you are a doctor or a nurse, please don't quote statistics at someone who is dealing with a miscarriage unless they ask you for them.  It doesn't help and only makes it worse.)

I was really hoping that Sam could be there with me during it all, but he couldn't come until someone traded places with him at the house. The doctor started the procedure.  He broke the little bag of water.  He was hopeful that he would be able to deliver the baby's body and the placenta there, so I might be able to avoid a D and C.  Again, no cramping at all through any of this.  When the nurse came in before the doctor to tell me the baby was indeed dead, I said, "Then what was I feeling?!"  She said it was most likely my uterus twingeing in preparation for the miscarriage.

They weren't saying much so I asked how long it would take for the baby's body to come out and he said it already was out.  I asked to see the body and they were rather reluctant, but I was insistent.  The baby fit into a little plastic specimen cup.  I could see the legs, but the rest of the body was covered with part of the placenta.  I asked if they could tell if the baby was a boy or girl and the doctor said that the baby was too young for him to tell.  I asked what they did with the body and whether I could take the baby's body home with me.  He said they had to send the body to the lab.  I told him I didn't want them to just throw the body away and that I wanted to make funeral arrangements.  They put specific instructions for the lab to call me to handle all of that after Monday.  I really hated the thought of my baby's little bitty body being kept in a lab in the hospital in an indifferent place in a specimen cup where his existence as a baby that had lived for a time isn't valued.  It really tore my heart up.

He had gotten most of the placenta out, but he couldn't get a piece of it out.  I was bleeding a lot by this time and they went ahead and scheduled me for a D and C.  I was having to wait a while for the procedure because it was the weekend and the O.R. team had to be called in.  I was in the exam room still and the nurse had come in to check on me and prep some equipment to put in a second iv just in case as I was getting off the phone with my mom.  She left the room and two seconds later, I felt like my body was on fire and then the edges of my vision started getting dark and and closing in.  I had the thought that I didn't want to die and go out like this and I pressed the call button with the little strength I had left and when the nurse answered, I tried to talk but I couldn't and so I managed to say help twice.  The nurses came in, took one look at me and went into emergency mode.  I had lost a LOT of blood, apparently. They tilted the bed way back to where I felt like I was upside down and then they moved me to what I assume is an emergency operating room or prep room.  It was larger with lots of lights.

 In the midst of all of that, I started shaking uncontrollably because I was freezing!  Once they had made the decision to schedule me for a D and C, I wasn't allowed to drink or eat anything, so it had been a while since I had had any water.  I kept saying I was really thirsty.  Another nurse came in and asked if I knew where I was and told me I had lost more than half of my blood volume and that they were going to give me a transfusion. (a first, never had a transfusion before)  I hadn't been able to keep my eyes open, but I hadn't conked out all the way either and could hear what was going on.  I looked to my right and recognized my friend's sister-in-law as one of my nurses.  That was comforting in all the chaos.  The nurse who had seen me since my arrival refused to leave me and so she was there all the way until I went to the O.R.!

Also, about that time, my doctor who would do the D and C procedure came in and I recognized him, too!  He was my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Zekey.  That, too, was comforting in a way because I was familiar with him.  I was hooked up to all kinds of sensors and had tubes and wires coming out of everywhere.

Sometime during all of this, our friends Jason and Lucy came in.  They had been in Round Rock on a weekend date and left right away when Sam texted them.  They asked if he wanted them to come to the house or to come to the hospital.  Since Eileen was on her way, he told them to come to me so that I wouldn't be alone.  It was such a blessing to have them there with me.

I was given another bag of saline and the blood and I did feel better after that.  I was still so, so thirsty though...my mouth was really dry.  I asked if I could have an ice chip to swish around in my mouth and that was permitted.  I was also still freezing!  I had 3 blankets on me, but I couldn't stop shaking....oh, I was so cold!

I can't remember exactly when, but I was also given a urinary catheter.  I'd had one before, but ugh... The putting it in was uncomfortable, but I was really not looking forward to the taking it out and having to pee on my own after that....OUCH!

The doctor attempted to make another try at getting the rest of the placenta to come out, but he wasn't able to get to it.  It was a very painful process.  That part hurt the most out of everything.  So, the D and C went ahead as planned.  I had to wait in the pre-op area for quite a while, but I was glad because our friend James drove Sam to the hospital and he came in and was able to be there with me for a bit before I was moved to O.R.  I was so relieved he was there and we were able to cry together and grieve a little bit.

I cried off and on as the realization began to set in that the baby was no longer inside me and was, in fact no longer alive.  I wasn't able to really grieve very much because of all the activity and craziness.

The anesthesia nurse came in to go over the possibilities for anesthesia for the procedure.  I told him I really didn't want an epidural due to my really bad experience with the one I had with delivering Braden.  He said they would most likely do one of two kinds.  One would be a sedation where I would likely not be responsive, but would be able to hear what was going on around me.  The other would be the general and I would be out completely.  I was concerned.  I had never had either.  I had always hoped I would avoid being put under because when I was much younger I watched an episode of 60 minutes or some show like that that showcased people who had been put under and woke up mid-operation and could feel everything but couldn't let anyone know that they were awake!  I felt like I might be one of those. ;)

Sam wasn't able to be with me in O.R. so the staff was really thoughtful and really good with communicating every step of the way.  They took Sam and our friends to the waiting room outside of the O.R. Recovery rooms to wait for me to come out.  I was wheeled to the O.R. and there was a bit of a funny situation.  The anesthesia nurse asked if I was okay with them cutting off my bra if the need arose.  I had been able to keep that and my shirt on the whole time.  I asked him if I could just go ahead and take it off before they got started because it is a favorite. :)  He said that was no problem and he totally understood because he had 4 daughters and he knew the price of those things!  Haha!  They had unhooked me from all the emergency area equipment so I was able to do that somewhat quickly.  It was interesting how each department has their own equipment and they change it all out...except the i.v. catheter.

After the bra had been taken care of, they hooked me up to all of their equipment and because I was still shaking uncontrollably from being so cold, they put the plastic sheet thing over my body and started blowing warm air under it.  I finally started getting warm and the shaking stopped.  That was another blessing!  I was given a second bag of blood and more saline.  I was watching them all busy prepping me when I started feeling light-headed again and dopey.  I thought I was heading into the blood loss fainting thing again, so I asked if I should be feeling that way and the anesthesiologist told me he had given me a little something to relax...sneaky!  Then, they put that face mask over my mouth and nose and told me to breath deeply.  I remember breathing twice and then nothing.

The next thing I remember is being woken up from a dream I can't recall.  I could hear them telling me to wake up and I was responding with a weird groaning sound.   They were wheeling me to the recovery area.  I was finally able to form words and I told the anesthesiologist that he could have left me under longer. :)  It was rather refreshing, in all honestly.

I'm not sure how long I was actually under, but the doctor came in right after I was set up in recovery and told me that the procedure only took about twenty minutes.  He said that as soon as he had prepped me, the piece of placenta came out on its own and he didn't have to do much else.  I have wondered a few times if it would have been fine to skip the whole D and C anyway and if it was like how the doctors have a tendency to be in a hurry to get the placenta out after you deliver full term and don't let it come out in its own time...

I don't know how long I was in recovery, but I was so stinkin' thirsty by then.  The nurse was so gracious and got me lots of ice chips and fed them to me.  I was VERY grateful.  I was wheeled to a different department and room where I stayed until I was discharged. Sam had to go back home for a couple of hours to relieve Eileen and wait for Juan and Donna to get there.  He had texted them and they packed and got on their way from San Antonio to stay with the kids overnight so that Sam could stay at the hospital with me.  Seriously, the family of friends we have is beyond amazing.  God has truly, truly blessed us in so many ways and one of the most astounding blessings is the group of people he has put into our lives and made into our family.  Without them, I would have gone through all of that physically alone!

I had two really great nurses taking care of me during the rest of my stay.  After I had been in that room for a couple of hours, I started asking when I could eat something.  I was put on a liquid diet, so I got some pudding to start before a tray was brought in with pureed chicken noodle soup and various drinks and more pudding and jello.  That was interesting, but the soup more than did the trick and I was good til morning.  Sam and I both got very little sleep.  I had to have my vitals and bleeding checked every two hours and had to be given a pill to help my uterus contract down to size every six hours.  I had also been given another bag of saline with pitocin in it.  I was also able to get the second I.V. that they had put in my right hand out.  It was a very sore spot and I was glad to be rid of it.  The catheter also came out and the dreaded burning the first few times of going to the bathroom began. :(  I was also supposed to get a final blood count done at 3 or 4 in the morning...

This was a hard time for me.  I cried a bunch.  I was going through all of the aftermath of giving birth to a baby without the baby.  My womb was empty and so were my arms and the emptiness in my heart was now very obvious.  Even though I knew I was going to be woken up plenty, I had a difficult time getting to sleep.  I cried for quite a while before I fell asleep and the constant waking took place.  I did get some sleep between checks, but when 6 am came around and I had to take the last of the pills, I couldn't go back to sleep and the crying started up again.

Sam and I were both eager to get back home.  The doctor came in and said my platelet count was high enough though my iron was on the low end of normal and I would have to eat lots of iron rich foods to get it back to where it needs to be.  I was given instructions to have complete rest for at least two days and increase my activity level as I felt I was able.  I have to have complete pelvic rest for 4 weeks at which time I have a follow up appointment and ideally no pregnancies for 4 - 6 months.

I was discharged by about 10:30 that morning.  Coming home was both relieving and sorrowful.  Again, I was faced with the reality that I had no baby to bring home with me.  Sam and Juan and Donna kept the kids pretty occupied so that I could rest.  Sam's mom came about lunch time and stayed until Friday.  The first couple of days were hard.  I hadn't had any pain whatsoever aside from the time trying to get the placenta out, but on the third day I was extremely sore and super sad.  I am so grateful that Sam's mom came and stayed as long as she did.  We also had two separate groups of friends bringing us meals.  I can't even express what a HUGE blessing that has been for us! We are so blessed and so grateful!

Sam took Monday off and I was so, so glad.  I really needed him to be home with me.  He did go back to work Tuesday and had a hard time because of the misguided comments that were made.  We know God has a plan and that our sweet baby is with Him for a reason and that compared to this world, he is in an astoundingly better place and that as much as we love our sweet baby, God's love is so much more abundant for him and we are eagerly awaiting the day when we get to meet him and get to know him.  But...let me express that what we have really appreciated, in the midst of the sadness and hurt, are the people who have just expressed their sorrow for our loss and given us a hug and either let us be or just hang with us and let things be what they are.  He is doing so much better now, though, and his grieving has produced a greater appreciation for the kiddos we have with us now and a deeper love for them.  He has expressed a sadness for the little hand that won't be held in his and not having the relationship and experiences he has been blessed to have with our other kiddos.  I think that will come up for the rest of our lives...

The director of the lab called me on Tuesday to discuss what needed to happen next.  I was so very impressed with the way he handled the call.  First, he always referred to the baby as "your baby" and not a specimen or fetus.  He was also able to tell us that we had had a boy.  I was really relieved to know because I was having a hard time figuring out a name.  We had had a sense that we were going to have a boy. : ) We have named him Moses and his possible middle name is Caleb.  He gave me all the info I needed to contact a funeral home and then gave me his cell number.  He said he wanted to be available to talk to me directly when I had made the arrangements.  That impressed me so much and was just one more blessing in the midst of the sadness.  He could have been quite another way and I'm so glad he wasn't.

I was really grateful for Sam's mom being there for support and information.  The first place I contacted for the purpose of having our little one's body cremated quoted me almost $750.00!  I thought that was a lot, but he explained that because the process was the same as an adult body, the cost was the same.  Sam's mom encouraged me to contact other funeral homes to see if that was consistent.  I called a second one and they asked me what week the miscarriage had occurred at and then quoted me $150.00!  That's quite a difference!  I then called a third one and I was sold on them.  They said it would be $100.00 and their manner and word usage was so much more endearing.  After a few calls back and forth, the funeral director shared that she had lost a child at the age of 2.  I just really felt peace about going with them and that they would treat our baby's body with dignity and the life that had been lived with value.

The baby's body has to stay at the lab for two weeks and then it will be released to the funeral home. We have a little less than one more week to go. We have decided not to have a service at this time.  We plan to buy some land in the country in the near future where we hope to build a home at some point.  We want to plant a tree along with his ashes as a memorial.  It will be nice to see the tree grow even though we won't be able to see our baby grow.  Its a very soothing, but bittersweet thought.

We are still on our journey through grieving.  I didn't really mention the kids reaction to everything.  They don't really understand all the way, but they do know that the baby I had in my belly is dead and that he isn't in there anymore and that he is waiting in heaven with Jesus to meet us one day.  Braden has been praying for another baby that will live for me.  I think he understands that there is sadness about it and he doesn't like to see me sad, but it doesn't quite get all the way to him because he was rather removed from it all.  Zekey has expressed sorrow and is solemn when talking about the baby.  Ailey has had the strongest reaction.  It took many days of talking about the baby not being alive and then one day she said what if she were in my belly and she died and that sort of thing.  We talked about all of that and I think she understands to the extent that a 3 yr old can.  Its still early days yet for us, but I do think we are healing well and not in a hurry.

Mud Fun

Brea's Castatrophe

Well, the day after we got the trampoline, things got out of hand and Brea's leg got broken.  Yeah.  So, we went through Christmas and on right after new year's before she was able to be seen to get a cast put on.  Thankfully, the break didn't go all the way through the bone and she only has to wear her cast for 4 weeks. :/

I had just finished changing her diaper in this pic, so she's waiting patiently to get up. :)

All I want for Christmas is a trampoline!