Remembering Moses on his birthday

Yesterday was our sweet Moses' birthday.  Its very hard to believe it has been a whole year since he died.  I thought a lot about him and am still thinking a lot about him.  I wonder what adventures he is on with Daddy God in heaven.  I ask God often to give him hugs and kisses for me and 2 tell him that I love him.  There is a sweetness that comes along with the sorrow and tears now.  For me, that's a good thing.  We didn't do anything as far as celebrating his birthday yesterday because its still so much of a memorial situation.  I would like for us to celebrate him in a special way in future years, though I don't know what that looks like yet.  So for now, since I can't honestly say happy birthday, I'm going to just say, "Sweet remembrances, precious Moses."

A Very Thoughtful and Sweet Gift

My Aunt Kathy sent us a beautiful gift in the mail the other day.  She said she kept coming back to it and knew it was meant for us. :)  I really love it and am glad she sent it.  Thank you, Aunt Kathy!!


http://www.sympathysolutions.com/catalog/item/just-the-same.html

Its a glass plaque and it looks just like the pic above and says:

Just the Same

I never got to hold you & bounce you on

my lap, I never got to read to you

or watch you as you nap.  You slipped

away so quickly, before I said your name.

And yet I want the world to

know I loved you just the same.

Anne Peterson

Wondering and sadness

Yesterday was Brea's 2nd birthday and it was a neat time just celebrating her.  This past few days has been hard, though.  I've been in a really bad habit of going to bed super late and getting up super late and throwing off our routine and just being out of sorts.  I've been really sad a lot, too, mostly at night.  I think that is why I've been going to sleep so late, sort of trying to keep myself occupied enough to not have to get overtaken by grief. It definitely caught up with me today, though.  I've been crying off and on all day and just so, so sad.  I was trying my best to get to bed at a decent hour so that I wouldn't be so grumpy  tomorrow, but I can't stop thinking about my little boy.  I keep thinking what does he look like?  Does he have red hair like Brea and Braden or does he have dark brown hair like Zekes and Ailey?  Or is he an anomaly with blond hair?  Does he have freckles?  Is he fair-skinned or darker?  What does his voice sound like?  Is he funny or serious?  I wonder if he is full grown in heaven or is he a child?  I ache to hold him and spend time with him and just be in his company.  It makes me so sad that he isn't here to laugh and play around with his brothers and sisters, get irritated that they have a toy he wants to play with and just do life with us all.  I miss him so much.  So much.  I miss all the things I won't get to do with him.  He won't have birthday parties or turn 2.  He won't have first words or learn to crawl and then walk.  He won't learn his abc's and then learn to read and write.  He won't draw me pictures to hang on the fridge.  I grieve for the loss of all of that.

I had a friend share that as for the losses that she has experienced, it has actually gotten harder as time has passed because there are experiences you want to share with that person and you just can't and its heart wrenching.  My new reality is that my kids' birthdays will be both happy and sad occasions for me because Moses won't ever be that age and his smiling face won't be in the pictures with his brothers and sisters.  Its a painful and challenging perspective to have.

A piece of our hearts

I didn't show the heart to the kids until this morning.  They all got to hold it and look at it and know that Moses' ashes are inside of it.  I got a picture of all of them with it.  Ailey didn't want to let go of it.  I think she's rather taken with the heart part of it.

Okay...

Today was the day our baby's body was available to be released from the hospital lab.  I had an emotional day Sunday because I thought the release date was actually yesterday.  Initially, after I went through the miscarriage, I was pretty upset that Moses' body had to be kept at the hospital lab for 14 days and we had to wait to put his little body to rest.  Now, after that amount of time, I nearly don't want to have him go to get cremated because I feel like I am losing him all over again.  I keep having these momentary feelings of sheer panic like somehow I can run far enough away to where this isn't really happening.

Today, after talking to the funeral home, I found out that they are concerned that there won't be enough ashes because his little body is so small.  It was suggested that I bring a blanket with me when I come in tomorrow to finalize the arrangements.  So, I spent all day today finishing crocheting a blanket to be wrapped around my dead baby's body to make enough ashes to put into an urn.  Its not fair.  Everything inside me screams THIS IS NOT RIGHT and I just feel messed up.

During that call, I asked whether it would be possible to get his footprints and possibly take a picture.  They said the footprints shouldn't be a problem, though he might be too young to have actual lines and ridges.  The picture, however, is a wait and see.  She didn't want to promise that if his body hasn't stayed well preserved.  I will know more tomorrow.

I'm not alright.  I'm okay with being not alright.  I'm broken and hurt and in process right now.  I'm okay with that, too.  I cry often, but I am able to laugh, too.  I ache with wanting what I can't have right now.  I want to have my baby here with me alive and well and growing in my body and all of us looking forward to his birthday when we can meet him and hold him and be part of his life and growing process, but that's not going to happen.  I'm not okay with that, yet.  I may be someday, but not today.  I feel like ages have passed since all of this started and yet its only been a little over two weeks.  I feel worn and emotionally and physically ragged and sucked dry of normality.

I could play the blame game.  I could be mad at God that this happened, but I can't.  I know my God.  His heart is breaking right along side mine.  This is an injustice and I serve a just God.  This isn't His heart or part of His Kingdom.  This is destruction.  That's satan's m.o.  I'm not ready for all out war, yet.  I'm still grieving heavily, but I sense in my heart that there will be a day when I will be ready to go after miscarriage with a focused passion.  It just shouldn't be allowed to exist.  Its on the same plane with cancer and anything else on death's team.  It needs to be taken out and replaced with LIFE!

So right now and for as long as it takes, I'm going to be okay with not being okay.  I am going to be okay with the sadness and the tears streaming down my face and sobbing when I get overwhelmed with missing my little boy.  I'm also going to be okay that my life has to go on even though his is not.  It is okay that there are still things that are funny to me and make me laugh.  I have an amazing husband and 4 kiddos here with me now that need me to not be destroyed by this.  I need to not be destroyed by this.  That's a good thing and that's okay, too.