Remembering Moses on his birthday

Yesterday was our sweet Moses' birthday.  Its very hard to believe it has been a whole year since he died.  I thought a lot about him and am still thinking a lot about him.  I wonder what adventures he is on with Daddy God in heaven.  I ask God often to give him hugs and kisses for me and 2 tell him that I love him.  There is a sweetness that comes along with the sorrow and tears now.  For me, that's a good thing.  We didn't do anything as far as celebrating his birthday yesterday because its still so much of a memorial situation.  I would like for us to celebrate him in a special way in future years, though I don't know what that looks like yet.  So for now, since I can't honestly say happy birthday, I'm going to just say, "Sweet remembrances, precious Moses."

Wondering and sadness

Yesterday was Brea's 2nd birthday and it was a neat time just celebrating her.  This past few days has been hard, though.  I've been in a really bad habit of going to bed super late and getting up super late and throwing off our routine and just being out of sorts.  I've been really sad a lot, too, mostly at night.  I think that is why I've been going to sleep so late, sort of trying to keep myself occupied enough to not have to get overtaken by grief. It definitely caught up with me today, though.  I've been crying off and on all day and just so, so sad.  I was trying my best to get to bed at a decent hour so that I wouldn't be so grumpy  tomorrow, but I can't stop thinking about my little boy.  I keep thinking what does he look like?  Does he have red hair like Brea and Braden or does he have dark brown hair like Zekes and Ailey?  Or is he an anomaly with blond hair?  Does he have freckles?  Is he fair-skinned or darker?  What does his voice sound like?  Is he funny or serious?  I wonder if he is full grown in heaven or is he a child?  I ache to hold him and spend time with him and just be in his company.  It makes me so sad that he isn't here to laugh and play around with his brothers and sisters, get irritated that they have a toy he wants to play with and just do life with us all.  I miss him so much.  So much.  I miss all the things I won't get to do with him.  He won't have birthday parties or turn 2.  He won't have first words or learn to crawl and then walk.  He won't learn his abc's and then learn to read and write.  He won't draw me pictures to hang on the fridge.  I grieve for the loss of all of that.

I had a friend share that as for the losses that she has experienced, it has actually gotten harder as time has passed because there are experiences you want to share with that person and you just can't and its heart wrenching.  My new reality is that my kids' birthdays will be both happy and sad occasions for me because Moses won't ever be that age and his smiling face won't be in the pictures with his brothers and sisters.  Its a painful and challenging perspective to have.

A piece of our hearts

I didn't show the heart to the kids until this morning.  They all got to hold it and look at it and know that Moses' ashes are inside of it.  I got a picture of all of them with it.  Ailey didn't want to let go of it.  I think she's rather taken with the heart part of it.

Loss and Heartache

I had a miscarriage on Saturday.  There is so much to write down, but I don't know if I'm ready to do all that yet.  I'm still processing.  This baby, whose body here is no longer alive, is fully complete and alive and in the glorious presence of our Daddy God.  My heart is so, so heavy and sadness washes over me in continuous waves.  Sometimes, it hits me like a ton of bricks, brings me to my knees and I have a hard time catching my breath.  Sam has been amazing.  He's fine with me just stopping to cry and get it out.  Sometimes he cries with me and he's always got his arms ready to hold me in my grief.  I don't know how long the mourning will last before it turns to joy and beautiful thoughts about a sweet person we have to wait a while to meet face to face.  I'm so grateful for our friends and family who have just poured out loved and blessing and prayed for us continually.  So grateful....