Today was the day our baby's body was available to be released from the hospital lab. I had an emotional day Sunday because I thought the release date was actually yesterday. Initially, after I went through the miscarriage, I was pretty upset that Moses' body had to be kept at the hospital lab for 14 days and we had to wait to put his little body to rest. Now, after that amount of time, I nearly don't want to have him go to get cremated because I feel like I am losing him all over again. I keep having these momentary feelings of sheer panic like somehow I can run far enough away to where this isn't really happening.
Today, after talking to the funeral home, I found out that they are concerned that there won't be enough ashes because his little body is so small. It was suggested that I bring a blanket with me when I come in tomorrow to finalize the arrangements. So, I spent all day today finishing crocheting a blanket to be wrapped around my dead baby's body to make enough ashes to put into an urn. Its not fair. Everything inside me screams THIS IS NOT RIGHT and I just feel messed up.
During that call, I asked whether it would be possible to get his footprints and possibly take a picture. They said the footprints shouldn't be a problem, though he might be too young to have actual lines and ridges. The picture, however, is a wait and see. She didn't want to promise that if his body hasn't stayed well preserved. I will know more tomorrow.
I'm not alright. I'm okay with being not alright. I'm broken and hurt and in process right now. I'm okay with that, too. I cry often, but I am able to laugh, too. I ache with wanting what I can't have right now. I want to have my baby here with me alive and well and growing in my body and all of us looking forward to his birthday when we can meet him and hold him and be part of his life and growing process, but that's not going to happen. I'm not okay with that, yet. I may be someday, but not today. I feel like ages have passed since all of this started and yet its only been a little over two weeks. I feel worn and emotionally and physically ragged and sucked dry of normality.
I could play the blame game. I could be mad at God that this happened, but I can't. I know my God. His heart is breaking right along side mine. This is an injustice and I serve a just God. This isn't His heart or part of His Kingdom. This is destruction. That's satan's m.o. I'm not ready for all out war, yet. I'm still grieving heavily, but I sense in my heart that there will be a day when I will be ready to go after miscarriage with a focused passion. It just shouldn't be allowed to exist. Its on the same plane with cancer and anything else on death's team. It needs to be taken out and replaced with LIFE!
So right now and for as long as it takes, I'm going to be okay with not being okay. I am going to be okay with the sadness and the tears streaming down my face and sobbing when I get overwhelmed with missing my little boy. I'm also going to be okay that my life has to go on even though his is not. It is okay that there are still things that are funny to me and make me laugh. I have an amazing husband and 4 kiddos here with me now that need me to not be destroyed by this. I need to not be destroyed by this. That's a good thing and that's okay, too.