Even more to update about

Just so I don't forget to include this, I want to mention that both the girls have really been into fixing hair lately.  Mostly it has been Ailey that really has the fascination with Brea following along because she wants to do what her big sister is doing. ;)  Ailey has been more concerned with her hair looking nice and she has consistently worked on my hair.  Right now, they are each brushing and "fixing" one side of my head of hair each.  Its very interesting trying to type in the process. :)

Okay, on to more happenings in this household.  We basically had a lot of things transition and shift around the same time within the last three months.  Its been a very interesting and challenging time.  Lots of good has come out of it all, for sure, but some of it had the pain of a birthing process.   For a while now we have been a part of a house church located in Round Rock.  It has been completely AMAZING!  We pretty much got adopted and adopted them right back.  They are fantastic peeps and I am soooo blessed to call them family AND friends.  The fellowship and relationship is so rewarding and compelling and it feels like home.  In addition to being part of that, I was also going to a church also located in Round Rock.  Round Rock is a good hour away, so were doing a bunch of driving on Sundays. ;)  The other church, True Life Fellowship, is also completely wonderful!  The atmosphere that they have invited there is also like coming home, but in a larger setting.  God is doing amazing things in both places and being a part of both families has been such a good thing.

Recently Sam shared a desire for a closer place to go and build relationships.  I told him that if he could find something similar with like hearted peeps, I was all in.  I believe Daddy God has a heart to see his kiddos all be like hearted despite having different purposes and callings in life.  I have a dream of sorts that someday, no matter where on earth a family of believers happens to be located, that anyone that is part of the larger family of believers or someone who has never met Jesus can walk into that place and it feels like coming home.  So, he had been introduced to a church through some different people over the course of several years, but it hadn't worked out to visit and this seemed like it was the right time.  We walked in and by the end of it all, it felt like coming home.  We are loving where God is leading and the amazing things He is doing and it is just exciting on a whole new level we didn't even know was possible!  While we won't be able to go to True Life very often, we will still be going to house church on a regular basis.  The cool thing is, I believe we are supposed to be connected to each one of these families for specific reasons and God is making a way for it to happen.

Something else that has been in the works since the beginning of last fall is the process of me going back to college.  I found out that my education benefits had been changed and that I had 5 more years than I had previously.  Much of the framework has been done.  I still have a bit more to get turned in and then will have to wait until registration for the fall semester.  The biggest question was what was the best option for the kids.  There is a Christian school not too far from our house and not too far from the college and seemed like the perfect answer.  In pursuing this option, I knew it would be a bit of an uphill battle because we were so far behind this year in home school.  We started out at a great pace at the beginning of the year, but between holidays and sickness from Thanksgiving on, we were limping along on into March. It felt for a long time that our days were chaotic and ruling us instead of orderly and time being used wisely.  This was also around the time when I got fed up with being tired all the time.

There were two things we had to do before the kids could be enrolled in the school.  We had to come in for a family interview and then there would be a follow up evaluation to place the boys in the appropriate grades.  The girls were no problem because Ailey would be starting Kindergarten and Brea would be in pre-K.  The family interview went well and though I noticed some personality differences, I wasn't overly concerned about anything at that point.  Rather than being concerned with my kids being able to do the learning part of being in a school, I was way more concerned with how they would handle having to sit in a classroom and behave in a very structured system since that really hasn't been their homeschool experience.  They've always done well in their co-op classes and at AWANA and VBS, but I was still a little concerned about that transition.

When we came back for the evaluation, I again informed the person we were meeting with that we were way behind and that we were in the process of catching up.  There was also a rather large difference in curriculum and the way the information is presented.  It all just went downhill from there.  There was definite personality conflict with the evaluator with both the boys and lots of irritation with the boys not being able to do the things she was presenting.  While I did listen to the whole process, I was outside the room and did not interfere.  I wanted to see how the boys would do with someone else instructing them.  Since, I had not had any sort of reference pertaining to dealing with a Christian private school and the whole process, I didn't know what should be normal procedure and what should be a warning flag.

After the evaluation was done, I went in and spoke to the evaluator by myself and it was the first time any sort of irritation and disdain has been aimed at me for homeschooling and not doing it someone else's way.  It was a very surreal situation.  After the person explained to me that the boys were no where near where the kids in the school were, being at least a year to a year and a half ahead of public school kids, that she could not place them in the school.  The girls were still welcome, but the boys would not be.  I asked about tutoring, reminding this person about us being behind in our schedule, as I thought there might be a curriculum presentation difference as well and if we could have someone get the boys familiar with their curriculum it might make a big difference.  That was shot right down with a short statement of, "We don't do tutoring."  It was suggested we might try sylvan learning center, though this person had no experience with them or how they operate.  I was nearly in desperation mode with trying to find some way to make it still work out.  I came home trying not to cry and be completely discouraged and got online and looked up the curriculum they use to see if it would be feasible to maybe switch over to it at the point.  There was also no guarantee that there would be openings in the school for them if we went back in the summer to re-evaluate.  Honestly, I was a bit beside myself and asking God if I had gotten it wrong about me going back to school.

I felt immediate peace about that and then decided to get some advice from someone who had home schooled and then put their kiddo into Christian private school.  I called my sis-in-law and asked her what she did to get her kiddo ready for that kind of transition.  I ended up explaining what had just happened and instead of giving me a plan of action dealing with curriculum, she informed me that she was very concerned that the evaluator (who also holds a position of authority in the administration as well as being a teacher there) responded to the kids with irritation and impatience as well as being unwilling to work with me at all with any other options.  She said that the school her kids go to wanted her kids there and wanted their family to be a part of the school and they were willing to go to great lengths to support the transition of getting them to where they needed to be.  There are teachers who tutor in the summer months for extra money and there were book lending options to get familiarized with the curriculum and several more things that really made me ponder everything about my experience.  After that, I felt a lot better and instead of wallowing in discouragement and self-pity I decided that things needed to change as far as the way I operated on a daily basis and that though the school I was aiming at for my kids to attend might be completely fantastic for other families, it was just not a good fit for ours.  It was God giving me a definitive no for that place.

Several things happened over the next few days.  I asked God to give me creative ideas of what to do about the kids and school.  I also downloaded an app called Daily Routine and put our entire home school schedule complete with alarms when each subject starts and when it is time for breaks including meal prep and meal time.  I also made a commitment to get myself out of bed an hour earlier with the goal of shifting that to an even earlier time at a later date to begin to mimic how the schedule will be in the fall.  This is also right about the time that I changed how we are eating so I also downloaded a meal planner and am steadily working on incorporating that into daily life.  The routine app has been a wonderful thing!  Because I was able to compartmentalize our day, I have been able to do double days of school and we have done about 7 weeks worth of school in the last 4.  We are almost where we should be and should be done with school mid-June.  Its a relief and I'm loving the orderliness of it all!

The kids are learning a ton and retaining it and for the most part, aside from disliking how regimented it is ;p, they are thriving.  So good.  The most ironic thing is that a good chunk of the things that they didn't know at the evaluation because they hadn't been introduced to it yet in our curriculum was in fact introduced within the next couple of weeks. :)

God also very much answered my plea and gave me the idea of having someone come in and sub for me 2 mornings each week while I have to be in class, so we will still be homeschooling.  We have someone who is praying about taking the job.  It would be a very good fit for our family, but we want to make sure it is a good fit for her as well.  I just know as soon as that was an option, all the craziness just calmed down and there was peace again.  Putting the kids in school would have had new challenges for us and been a lot of work in its own way.  Home schooling while I'm going to school will have its own challenges as well, but we really think its the way to go for our family.

Another idea was putting them in a Christian school that is much farther away.  I called to find out more info and shared what had happened in my earlier experience with the other school.  She said they test using the Stanford Achievement Test and that they do have teachers who tutor in their off months.  She also asked if we would be willing to have the kids repeat their current grade.  At first, my pride took hold and I didn't even want to consider it, but almost immediately I squashed that down because I want what is best for the kids.  Sam and I talked about it and he didn't have a problem with that option.  In the end, I felt I could really get us caught up and it wouldn't even be an issue. While we don't think putting them into this school is right for this next year, it is still an option for future ones if it is a good fit for our family.

Lots of Things to update about

Wow!  I have been so busy and while there have been plenty of things to write about, I just flat out haven't had the time!  Since this day has been designated a "catch-up and clean-up" day, I'm allotting some time to sit down and do this.  So for the sake of time, I'm gonna just jump right on in.

First, I have been in the process of organizing the kitchen.  I put dollar store baskets in the fridge and freezer to make sense of the complete chaos that was going on in there and it has been a blessing!  I found a different size basket when I went to the store to outfit my freezer and I am going to get more of that kind and switch them out.  I will try and do a post of pics to show all the stuff I've been doing, just in case it sparks piggy back ideas for anyone needing them. ;)  I also rearranged our pantry and it is much more user friendly!  The cabinets are slowly being uncluttered as well and its a beautiful thing.

Second, about three plus months ago, something clicked in me and I decided I was tired of being tired and physically weak.  Before kids, I was very self motivated about exercising, but since my pregnancies were so dramatic, that wasn't an option for me.  So for the last decade plus a bit, I've been in a complete different set of circumstances with my body.  With no pregnancies or breastfeeding on the horizon, it was just time for me to get my rear in gear.  Because I deal with plenty of joint issues throughout my body, I know better than to just go full speed ahead right away.  I finally cleaned out the garage enough around the area where the elliptical was serving as a catchall and started using it 6 days a week starting out at 5 minutes and working my way up to 25/30 mins each day over the course of about 4 weeks.  After each session, I started doing a pilates stretching routine which has been tremendously helpful keeping my muscles from getting too big, too fast and causing problems with my joints.  Its also good for joint decompression.  Win-win!

My initial goal in starting to build up my strength was not focusing on losing any weight.  As a matter of fact, I didn't change anything about how I was eating for about 2 months.  I just wanted to build muscle mass and strengthen my joints so that I would have better endurance and be more agile.  In doing that, though, I started losing inches.  I knew that would be a by-product of what I was doing, but I also didn't want to lose weight or inches too quickly.  I want the saggy-baggy, extra skin hanging around from pregnancies past to go back down, too and I've got to give my body time to accomplish that. ;)  So far, so good on that front.

Around a month ago, I felt like I needed to give my body a boost and wanted to start a clean eating and high protein regimen.  Plenty of the recipes I use are considered Paleo or Primal.  While I don't believe in the whole cave man philosophy, I do find the data about how the body digests or the trouble it has with digesting certain foods and the absorption of vitamins and minerals and balancing blood sugar levels so there are no highs and lows resulting in crashes, very compelling.  So far, without having done something along the lines of a Whole 30 stint, I have become aware that my body doesn't do well with regular potatoes in pretty much any form and wheat.  I was not happy about the wheat because I loves me some fiber and I have an unhealthy love obsession with bread. :/  I found that coconut flour is super duper high in fiber and doesn't have the gluten and blood sugar issues that wheat seems to have, so I honestly haven't really felt a loss.  As a result of eating this way, I have tons more energy and I feel so much better! An added bonus has been loss of poundage and more inches.  Again, win-win.  Yay!

Another fun side thing has been the accumulation of new work out gear.  It is very nice to have clothing that is made to sweat in and actually fits me!  I also recently got new running shoes since my last pair was nearly a decade old and part of the sole finally just fell off and a watch that has a timer and a heart rate monitor as well as some other nice features.  I am soooo amazed at how much lighter the new shoes are compared to my old ones!  Same brand + different technology = huge difference! They are for the purpose of training to run a 5k.  In all the years past when I was running, I never, EVER wanted to run any sort of race.  Traditionally, I have abhorred running.  I did it because I had to.  I much prefer fitness classes, machines and dancing.  I don't get the runner's high, I have a knee that is problematic with high impact activity and its just never been fun for me.  Recently, a friend proposed the idea of training for a 5k together and it was more of a let's-see-if-we-can-do-this sort of a thing.  I pondered it and was intrigued with the idea of whether I could do it or not.  It was yet another way I could tweak something.  (I have found as I get older that I have a knack for tweaking things - it can be in totally unrelated areas of interest, too. ;)  So, after I felt that I had built up sufficient strength in my legs and back, I started jogging.  I've been doing that for the past few weeks focusing mainly on my breathing and posture.  I got an 8-week training schedule from a site about running a 5k and have put myself on that schedule.  I hope to map out a good route soon so that I can start focusing more on distance as well as time.  I would like a pedometer at some point, but for now I'm good.  I'll just drive it and then run it. ;)  It looks like June or July will be 5k time and there are several to choose from in this area, so I'm actually looking forward to it.

Since this is already long, I'm gonna have to continue on in another post for tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I know!  Three posts in less than four month-spaced increments...nobody freak out.  We all just need to stay really calm and read on.  Yes, yes I did just type that.

The hearts in the pots are the extent of my Valentine's decorations this year.  It is better than the previous year that had a whole lotta nada.

Now I must share my roadside find.  Can you believe someone threw out that mid century modern shelf/curio cabinet?!?!?!  Admittedly is was broken on one side, but I showed it some drilling, wood glue and dowel rod love and then put the same on the other side so it would look the same and it is good as new!  I love me some trash to treasure!  It is supposed to have sliding glass doors on the front, but only one of the pieces of glass was still intact.  I may or may not try and get another made and reinstall them.  I also may just use that brown board stuff hanging out against the wall to the left there (can't remember what its called right now) and make 2 door panels with recessed pulls...or I may just leave it open like this...  I don't know yet.  It is completely awesome regardless and I am loving it!  When I get our bedroom sorted out, I'll take pics in there to show what I did with the entryway table I built back in the summer.  I feel like my Heavenly Daddy just gives me a kiss and says, here ya go..here's a gift for you, when my path intersects with fun finds like this.  I know it seems like an odd gift to some, but its along the same lines as Sam giving me power tools and gadgets as gifts.  I'm just that kind of woman.

I decided to split up the kids into separate rooms again.  It seems to be working better.  I found a full-sized bed for the girls room.  I was going to try and find a set of bunk beds for them, but realistically, they wouldn't sleep in them.  They would end up on the floor.  Plus, we really need something for when people come to visit and stay the night.  So far the full size has worked very well...once they actually go to sleep.  I'm having lots of fun putting both of the rooms together.  Today, I am in the process of putting together a paper chandelier for the girls/guest room.  This is my inspiration:

photo by Ashley Ann Photography - http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/06/30/entering-the-girl-world-the-nursery/

Its so, so pretty!  I really love how she pulled all of the elements together in her nursery. I have plenty of paper pom-poms from previous birthdays, but I wanted to add a few of these:

(the link for this is ladybird-ladybird-paige.blogspot.com , but the blog is no longer there...)

So, this is my version:

I was finally able to use up quite a bit of scrap book paper I've collected over the years.  I'm hoping I get to finish out the whole thing today some time, but well, it may run over into tomorrow's activities.

I still have a bedspread/quilt to either buy or make for the bed.  I decided on the fabric for the curtains, but still have to go buy it and sew them up.  I still haven't decided on a rug, but I've got a couple to choose from in my stash and if those don't work, then I'll be on the look out for a new one.  Then, I'll deal with the walls and what to put on them.  No biggie, right?!

Last night, when the girls finally went to sleep, I got some sleeping pics of them.  I attempted to do the same with the boys, but there was no light at all in their room.  Then we had a bit of an impromptu photo shoot.

I would just like to point out that not one time did I use an emoticon in this post....not once!  It was a struggle, but I proved it is possible.  In future, I will probably overcompensate for this post with random, ill-placed smiley/frowny/disturbed faces in other posts....it'll make me feel better.

Just so

I can say I posted something on here...  Wow, I hadn't realized how long it has been since I put anything on here!  I still have to finish up my events of the summer series and I've got a bum-load of pics and stuff to add from the last 6 mos or so.  I'm an awesome, extremely consistent blogger.  Can't you tell?  Eh, I'll get a wild hair and have verbal diarrhea for a day or so and then back date everything to make it seem like I did it in the actual time-frame and viola!

On a side note, I've really liked using the phrase verbal diarrhea lately.  It evokes such mental images and says so much in just two words. :D

I'll leave you with a tantalizing tidbit of real-life circus drama from the past week or so.  This will be told in the form of memory rewind, just to shake things up a bit.  Telling things in order of incidence is sooo last season! (Fifty points to the one who gets that movie ref.) As of this moment, I am almost, but not quite recovered from my back going out on Saturday.  I'm such an old lady!  Its sad, but with the help of therapy and sufficient amounts of cake and ice cream, I'm slowly coming to terms with this fact. I had spent part of the morning and a large chunk of the afternoon cleaning out, then vacuuming and finally shampooing out the van.  Its a tall order, yet wouldn't normally have been a big deal, but...  The day before, Sam and I had both been bedridden with yet another stomach virus which happened after both Brea and Braden had their bouts starting the previous week.  So, we're talking lack of sleep, which is always so fun followed by each of our sessions of my now coined phrase of "pukin' and dukin'" and the insanity of disinfecting and wreaking havoc on my washing machine, segueing into my extreme need to be out of the bed and accomplishing something I had tried to get done three weekends in a row, ending in several muscles in my lower back being pulled in a ratcheting effect out of place and me ending up back in bed from whence I came.  Aaaahhh, the circle of life!  (Now you're singing the song.  You're welcome. ;)

The Dyesses: A Series of Interesting Events part 3

We had discussed getting a 12-passenger van to have more room on trips and to be able to have more cargo room in the back for luggage and trips to the hardware store and those times I get larger furniture or appliances off of craigslist or if we just had friends who wanted to ride with us to certain places.  I liked the pluses of something larger like that, but the downsides never quite set well with me.  The gas mileage would be waaay less than our current van costing lots more in gas each month and the larger vehicle would mean parking at the grocery store or anywhere for that matter would be a constant irritation for me.  Plus, I would be the main driver and I just didn't want to have to take out the big mammer-jammer any time we had to go somewhere during the week.

Conversion Vans were our next possibility.  We liked the extra room inside because, let's face it, we've got growing kids and our boys especially will be needing more leg room in the coming years.   They are very comfortable to travel in and the bed that folds down in the back was just a fun added novelty for possible naps or lounging around.  We also wanted a tv and dvd system in whatever we got next and these vans pretty much come standard with that.  Again, the gas mileage is pretty low on those and the ones we were seeing online in our price-range were very high mileage and I really didn't have a peace about it.  

I really kept coming back to Honda Odysseys.  They hold their value well, they are good on gas mileage for a vehicle that size.  They last a long time and I really appreciate the attention to detail that Honda puts into their vehicles.  Even the most basic models have nice gadets. :)

We knew we wanted leather seats.  They are just easier to keep clean and that is necessary in this family!  I wanted a gray interior because it just hides stuff pretty well until you can get to it, but that was just a plus, not a must-have.  We wanted a dvd player already installed.  We've been using two travel dvd players and while we have been very grateful for them, we have had our share of difficulties and hiccups using them in our van.  We also wanted it to be under a certain amount total and monthly.  I called our bank and had our financing all taken care of before we actually found anything because I wanted to bypass all of the frustrations we have experienced with dealerships in the past. I was also able to include gap insurance and an extended warranty that our bank offered so that we wouldn't even have to mess with it at the dealership.

After talking about it with God and each other off and on we agreed that another Odyssey was the way to go for sure and that evening, I found an Odyssey in Austin at a the First Texas Honda dealership that has a no-haggle price policy.  That was another of my hopes.  We bought our van from Carmax and really liked that we didn't have to haggle to get a good price.  It was what it was, take it or leave it.  I really appreciate that.  So, I was really glad to find a place that was similar.  They also do a 100 point inspection with a guarantee on it, which is also like Carmax.  Another point of appreciation.  They had posted the van to their website, but there wasn't a picture.  Just a description with all the details.  It had leather seats, gray interior, dvd player and it was an 07.  I wanted to find something with all that with under a 100,000 miles, but we would have had to fly to a different state to go pick it up. Since that was totally not happening, I was okay with it having 114,000 miles on it. :)  I contacted them via a chat feature on their website, then set up an appointment the next day to look at it.

When we got there, we met one of two of the Product Specialists also know as Salesmen who would be helping us through our van buying experience.  These guys were fabulous!  We seriously had such a great experience because of them.  If you need a Honda and are in the Austin Area, I highly recommend First Texas Honda and ask for DJ or Christian or both. :)  There was a bit of a hiccup at the beginning because the van had not been completely inspected or detailed out.  They were backed up in that department so when we test drove it, it wasn't in its best condition.  We didn't really care though, because we could see that it was a good van in good shape.  The engine sounded good, it drove really well, very smooth and it was exactly as described, except the color isn't a real gray, though depending on the light it can look like that.  Not a problem, though. :)  So, we weren't able to take it home that day, which was a bummer because that meant we would have to make another trip back down there in the air conditionerless Jeep. :/  

That was what we spent our Wednesday day long date doing.  We did go out to eat at BJ's restaurant, which has excellent food and we went and took a really good look at the Domain.  HOITY-TOITY!  Whew!  We've been there several times to go to the Apple Store, but never really got to look around.  I'm convinced those people really like their stuff and really don't want me to buy it. Hahahaha!  The coolest thing we got to do was go into the Tesla shop.  That is a very neat car.  Fully electric and completely fantastic.  We enjoyed speaking with the representative in there.   They sell t-shirts and I may just have to sport one in the near future. :)

We were hoping that they would have the van ready the next day because our original plans were to go back to East Texas on Friday.  It wasn't ready until Friday, so our plans got scooched back a day.  Not ideal.  But, when we went back to pick it up, we were introduced to the free snack bar including free frappuccinos and baked goods while they last and they had a kids play room as well as a stage with instruments where several of the staff have made up a band and play often.  Not your average dealership, I must say.  The paperwork process took a bit, but because I had made all the previous arrangements it went much more quickly than it would have normally.  We did end up staying there for 3 hours, but it was really because we ended up talking, laughing and joking around with DJ and Christian and the time just kinda flew by.  Fun times...

We finally left and drove both our vehicles back home and I really enjoyed driving the van in lovely a/c. :)

Still more...

The Dyesses: A Series of Interesting Events part 2

The next occurrence was the next week full of VBS.  I don't like being so very regimented and on a tight schedule for too many days in a row.  It just flat out wears me out!  The three olders were able to attend so it was fun to have Brea and I spending time together.  We totally worked the free summer lunch program for that week because it was just easier to get us all up, dressed, loaded in the van and over to a place close to the VBS place serving the breakfasts and then hit the same place again for the lunches.  There are some amazing ladies at the place we went and they are such a blessing!

VBS was Monday through Friday and I had Saturday to pack for the kids to go and stay with grandparents in East Texas.  I only packed myself an overnight bag because the plan was for me to take the kids to my mom's house, stay the night and then I was to come back home while they stayed there.  Mom was to take them to meet up with Sam's parents and trade midweek and then I (possibly Sam, too) would return Friday evening, stay the night there and then come back with the kids Saturday.  Sam and I were supposed to have 4 glorious days of no kids just hanging out together.  Sam even took Wednesday off so that we could go on a full day-long date!  Woohoo!  So exciting!  

Yeah, well, that is not what happened.  On my way back from Mom's, I stopped right outside of Tyler and picked up a set of lockers advertised on craigslist.  $50 for a set of six!  Oh, yeah!  So, had those loaded up in the back of the van and got on the other side of Tyler right past Chandler and the a/c started blowing hot air.  I was thinking that the freon needed to be charged and that I was going to have to finish out the drive with no a/c, when I noticed that the engine was actually overheating.  Nice.  I turned the a/c off and slowed waaaay down in the hopes that it would calm things down.  Nope.  Oh, by the way, this was the week when the temps were over 100.  The week before had been pretty cool and the week after it rained nearly every day. :/  I was really concerned about irreparably damaging the engine, so I pulled over and turned everything off.  Of course, I had didn't know how far past Chandler I had come and how far the next town would be.  I called Sam who was just getting off of work and apprised him of the situation.  My phone didn't have much charge left, either.  I had the ipad, but no hotspot, so no help there.  Sam got home and was able to tell me where I was because of a county road sign I could see.  I was closer to the next town, Brownsboro, but was still about 2 miles out.  I was about 3 hrs from home at this point.  Yay.  

I decided to walk into town rather than swelter in the van.  Oh and to make matters just that much more interesting, right before the engine overheated, I determined I needed to find some place to stop due to digestive issues.  See?  Not one moment was boring. ;)  I gathered up my necessities, busted out my bright orange umbrella, locked up the van and aimed myself down the road.  I was pretty sure, that my feet and legs would be pretty red and crispy by the time I reached the town since I had no sunscreen, was wearing shorts and flipflops and the umbrella can only cover so much.  I got about 10 yards from my van, when a truck from the sheriff's department pulled a U-y and came up behind me.  The man asked if that was my van, I confirmed and he offered me a ride to the gas station in town.  I was beyond thrilled!  This was a Daddy kiss moment where I was still in a difficult and far from ideal situation, but He said, "Here, let me help you with this."  He didn't make it go away because I was learning to keep my peace and joy in tact and just be okay where I was.  It was a good lesson and not really a struggle because I chose not to get mad and upset about the inconvenience.

The gas station he dropped me at has a subway and bank in it as well, so after explaining my situation to the ladies behind the registers to make sure it was okay that I would be hanging out for three hours and getting plenty of sympathy, I was told I could sit in the subway seating area for as long as I needed.  The Subway employees were immediately offering me water and could they do anything for me.  So nice.  Yet another Daddy kiss, just letting me know He was right there with me.  I was gonna just play some games on the ipad to pass the time, but discovered the bank had wifi, so I was able to connect and get on the internet and start looking for a substitute vehicle.  Our van has been such a blessing to us.  It is old,  a 2000, and it has had its share of wear and tear.  The inside looks worn out as well, but we've had it for over 5 years and its gotten us where we've needed to go and been super dependable.  However, we knew our time with it would be ending sometime in the near future and had started discussing getting a newer van a little over a year ago. 

All in all, I really had a pleasant wait passing the time until Sam came to pick me up.

When he arrived, I hopped into his Jeep, which has no a/c, and we went to go assess the situation with the van.  We decided to see if we could drive it back towards Tyler.  Our hope was to be able to get it to a dealership in Tyler that would just buy it off of us.  We made it a couple of miles down the road and then it overheated again.  So, we hooked it up to the Jeep and decided to tow it in.  Apparently, when you put an Odyssey into neutral with the engine off, the brakes don't quite work right.  We made it into Chandler and I knew there was no way we were gonna make it back to Tyler towing it ourselves. And don't forget, the lockers are still in the back. :) We found a place to park it for the night and decided to head back to Sam's parent's house, about two hours away.  This was all on Monday.  Sam had to take off Tuesday from work to help deal with all of this.  By the time we got to Sam's parent's house, it was too late to do anything about the van, so we had a circle discussion about options and decided we would rent a tow dollies the next day and tow it back to their house with his dad's truck and then just called it a night.  

The next morning, we went to the rental place and got the worst customer service ever!  I called the head office to see if there were any other places that had a tow dollies available and was informed that we could not tow our van on one because it was too heavy for it.  An auto transport was suggested as an alternative.  Well, that might work, but the truck wasn't heavy duty enough to pull it. Okay.  Thankfully, Sam's parents had borrowed a family member's truck to haul a tractor from Oklahoma and they still had it.  It was definitely heavy duty enough.  This was another Daddy kissy.  Another one was that we didn't have the kids with us during any of it.  I am so glad I wasn't stranded with 4 kids in that heat!  We were able to find a transport at a smaller business place that we had actually done business with before and it was a very good experience.  Sam's parents pulled the transport while we drove in the Jeep and we all went to go load up the van.  We stopped at Sonic and ate and I had my first of several slushies that day.  

We loaded the van and we headed home and Sam's parents took it back to their house.  On our way home, we stopped at sonic several more times to get slushies because we felt like we were being sucked dry by the heat and the wind.  Oh, and we decided to go ahead and haul the lockers home in the Jeep because we couldn't see a feasible way of getting them home otherwise.  Even though we were hot, sweaty, windblown and stinkin' tired, we had a pretty nice ride home.  Our air conditioner at home welcomed us with its wonderfully cool loveliness.  We wallowed in it.  That and a shower. ;)

And more to come....

The Dyesses: A Series of Interesting Events part 1

 Oh man, so much has happened in a short amount of time! First up on the calendar of special occurrences was the washer that had been given to us by our cousins decided it didn't want to stop filling up anymore.  It had already had a couple of other things go wrong and was pretty old. We knew it was just a matter of time before we would have to replace it, but we were fine using it up to the very last bit of its ability! :)  We had already decided that since we have a ridiculous amount of laundry to be done all.the.time, that when the time came to get a different one, we would invest in a front loader again.  I used to have one before our rv saga and I absolutely LOVED it.  Getting a brand new one was just not necessary as far as I was concerned because there is always a bounty of used goodness on craigslist. ;)

So, away my fingers flew on the keyboard and track pad searching through the previously owned offerings.  I was looking at either an LG set or a whirlpool duet set.  I wanted to go ahead and get a matching set since our dryer is the same age as the washer and the sets I was looking at were actually less expensive than some of the single washer ads.  I looked up the reviews on both sets to see if there was anything I should be concerned about with either of the models.  It was interesting to find such a huge amount of dissatisfied consumers of the LG model.  Granted lots of them were about the odor issue many have with front loaders and since I know how to fix that issue and avoid it in future, that wasn't as big of a deal, but there were plenty having to do with the actual mechanical and electronic parts not functioning properly.  I didn't really want to have to do a lot of youtubing how to videos on fixing it and ordering parts and all that, so I was relieved to find that the whirlpool reviews were mostly about the smell and not very many about the machine not functioning properly.

The lady that was selling the whirlpool set was moving and I went to check them out to see if they would work and to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with them.  She was going to need them a couple more days to get all her laundry done, so it was kind of an interesting situation.  We paid a small fraction of what a new set would have cost, actually got them loaded in the van and with much strain on both mine and Sam's part, got them set up in the laundry area.  They can be stacked, so we did that and it freed up quite a bit of space for a new laundry system that will be put into place soon.  Something very similar to this:

   

I will have the six baskets, but it will be all one unit.  I am going to add casters to the bottom and a counter to the top for folding purposes.  I already have the baskets, I just need to have a good chunk of time to cut up some plywood and 1 by whatevers and assemble it all.  I'm hoping this will be a better system than the dirty-clothes-baskets-in-the-closet a.k.a clothes-all-over-the-floor one we've got going on now.

I was loving washing the first couple of loads when I noticed water coming out from under it.  Not a lot, but there was definitely a leak somewhere.  Ugh.  So, I let Sam know about it and started looking up possibilities for the problem.  He said he noticed a small tear in the drum seal and thought that might be it.  I took a look at it and found it, but couldn't tell for sure.  I found a suggestion that it might be the water pump or it could be that the drain filter was clogged.  That one was an easy fix, so I took the front panel off and undid the filter basket.  There was a big wad of lint in it and some coins.  I was hoping this was the problem.   I didn't think the pump was because it wasn't make any non-normal noises.  I cleaned it all out and put it back in and did another load.  I thought it was good until I saw the water coming out again.  Bummer.  At least the panel was still off, so I could see where the leak was.  Sam was right, it was coming from the seal area.  I knew ordering the drum seal would take a while and to be honest, I didn't want to have to pay $70 bucks for one right after we just bought the washer!  So, I had it in my head that there had to be a way to temporarily patch it. ;)  I was thinking possibly one of those pool float patches or something similar.  I actually came across a suggestion of duct tape and thought why not?!  The stuff we have in the garage is the very thin cheapo stuff, but it would just have to do.  I put a little piece on the tear and did another load.  It worked!  Sam was pretty sure it wouldn't hold very well for very long and suggested a stronger tape like Gorilla Tape.  He was right on.  After a couple of loads the leak was back so, I picked some Gorilla Tape up while I was at Lowe's and put a piece over the tear when I got home.  That's been a little over a month ago and its still holding strong.  I'll eventually replace the seal (I've already watched several how-to videos and even found one where I don't have to take all the panels off of the top and front of the machine!), but for now we are good. :)

To Be Continued...

Brea is using the potty!

Brea has been having what I call growth and/or teething poo.  It has made her bottom super irritated and we've had to do just cloth diapers for a couple of days trying to get it under control.  It was only helping slightly, so today, I decided to let her run around bare bummin' it.  After a bit, I decided to what she would do about sitting on the potty.  She was more than willing and went there immediately.  The first two times there was plenty of grunting, but no substance.  Made me ponder her experience seeing the rest of us use the potty.....haha!  The third time, Success!  She had gone several times and most of them I just ask her and she heads in there and gets on by herself and she's done by the time I even get in there.  I'm pretty excited! :)

Sadness and relief

I went to the funeral home today and picked up Moses' ashes.  The heart capsule is bigger than I expected and heavy for its size.  I was also given the cremation tag.  It may sound strange to want to keep something like that, but its just one more thing having to do with him that I can have as a keepsake.

I was glad to be able to have his remains in our care, but I nearly didn't want to go because it meant that it had really happened and that there was a finality to it all.  I think when we bury his ashes at some point in the future, I will encounter this emotional dilemma again.

When I got back out to the car with the box in my hands, I just broke down.  It still hurts so much.

I haven't said what funeral home we used because I was waiting for the entire process to be completed.  I want to say that we had the best experience possible under the circumstances, I believe, with Heritage Funeral Home in Harker Heights.  Both the funeral director and office manager were open and honest and very caring and not emotionally detached, yet still professional.  That's a pretty amazing mix in my opinion.  Even if they had not been the least costly place to use, I would have gone with them because of their manner in relating with me and my family through all of this.  I hope to never have to meet with them to use their services, but I am grateful they were available for when we did need them.  I'm also grateful they are both women.  I don't think I could do what they do, but being able to relate to women in this situation made all the difference for me for sure.

When I got home, I gave the box to Sam.  He was able to grieve a little more as well.  I'm grateful we are in this season of our lives in the grieving process and not in an earlier one.  I don't think we would have handled it anything like we are now.

There have been a few days where I think I must be getting used to all of this somehow.  That I am starting to incorporate the fact and reality of it all in who I am now and my life in general.  I think that is happening to a degree, but the tears are always right under the surface.  I'm only one reminder or thought away from sobbing or tears coming in streams.  The loss and ache isn't gone, though I think I'm handling it differently now.  I find myself not wanting to cry, to be done with that part of it, but at the same time not.  I don't want to leave this time behind me.  I don't know that that is really ever  possible.  It is again an encounter with a sense of finality and I'm just not ready for that yet.  I want to be able to come to a place where my emotional awareness and response to it all is not separate from everything else.  Right now its a bit compartmentalized.  I don't want to be around anyone because I still want my grief to be private.  I don't want to have to make an emotional expenditure to explain why I'm sad or to encounter and respond to someone else's pity or sorrow for me and my loss.  It makes me weary and exhausts me to make those connections with others right now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful there are so many hearts that care for mine and what I've lost, but at the same time, I nearly don't want to share it.  Its mine and I want to take the time to keep it for me for a while.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone other than me.

Its a strange thing to want to have public outings or events proceed in a normal manner as far as everyone else involved is concerned and yet not have any sort of expectation on myself from me or anyone else to respond in my usual way.  I don't know if my usual way will ever quite be the same again anyway.  That will get worked out in time, I'm sure.

I'm finding it difficult to be in corporate worship just yet.  My mourning hasn't been turned to dancing or my tears to joy just yet.  I believe they will be in a way at some point.  I feel cut off from my heart joining with every one else's for now.  I don't think that's a bad or wrong thing for this part of this season, just a fact of where I am in my process.  I'm good with that.  I still need time for some things to be able to "be" in me in a peaceful and content way.  I think that's what I'm looking for.  A change from my current state to being content with all that has happened.  I don't know what that looks or feels like for me, yet.

Making funeral arrangements

Today was a very hard day.  We had to go to the funeral home to make all the arrangements.  I cried off and on all day.  I didn't want to have to say goodbye again.  I know our sweet baby is with our God and that his little body is just a shell, but it doesn't lessen the hurt at all.  I had laid the little baby blanket I made for Moses next to Sam's stuff on the entry table and when he saw it there this morning, he had a hard time.  For the rest of the day he had a hard time.

When Sam got home from work, we got everyone ready and we all went to the funeral home as a family.  In a way, I was looking forward to seeing Moses' body again.  I hoped I would get a better look at him this time.  When we got there, we had to fill out all the paper work.  They were able to get some foot and hand prints and they are so, so tiny.

The very top one is his left foot, then the next two are hand prints and then another hand, foot and then hand...so tiny.

She advised us against viewing his body because in her opinion his body had not held up well due to the preserving fluid they had placed him in at the hospital, but I needed to see him anyway.  She left us for a bit to prepare his body.  She had given us a few brochures to look over in case we wanted a different urn.  There was also a brochure for a company that puts baby's hand or footprints onto a charm for a necklace.  It is, of course, way expensive.  They only offer silver or gold options.  I might call them and let them know that a less expensive option like pewter would be nice for those of us who would just like a memento.  I appreciate the purpose of all of these options, but the cost of it all is like kicking you when you are down.  Its such a grizzly part of this process.  

At first, my intention was just to go with the little plastic urn that comes with the cost of the cremation since our plan is to plant his ashes with a tree in the near future, but there was a different option that appealed to both Sam and I.  They had heart-shaped capsules. We chose the plain silver one that can be engraved at a later date.  After we put his ashes in the ground, we will keep the little heart.

After all that, she brought his little body in wrapped in the blanket I made and nestled in a small box with a few things that the hospital had sent along and the sign that Braden had made.  I had been told that they were going to give us a little box, but I didn't really know what it was for.  Now, I understand.  They had put a little blanket and a small plush puppy in it.  It was really a very sweet gesture.  Braden and I had been talking a bit earlier in the morning about going to the funeral home and why I made the blanket.  He decided to make a sign out of cardboard with Moses' name on it to go with the blanket.  He was holding back tears as we talked and as he made his sign.  It was very touching to see his heart.

As I looked at him, I was able to see all of his little features this time.  I got to touch his little hands and feet and see his face for the first time.  At the hospital, his head and upper body had been covered by blood and placenta and I could really only see his legs.  He was beautiful.  He looked like a little doll.  His eyes and mouth weren't all the way formed yet, but they were still very distinguishable.  His little nose was formed enough for me to see it looked a lot like Braden's.  I was able to finally hold my baby.  In the sadness, that was another bright spot.  I was also able to take a few pictures of him.  Some might think that gross or somehow morbid, but I think he looks beautiful and I'm very grateful to be able to have a picture of ALL of my kids.  I don't know if I will post his picture on here or not.  Though I am sharing all of this, I am wanting to protect our family and I don't want some thoughtless comment to be given in ignorance about how his little body looks or why I took a pic of his dead body.  I'm just not willing or able to put up with that sort of insensitivity.  I also want to keep him to myself for the time being.

At first, the kids were kept out and she took his body away, but they had asked if they were going to get to see his body and I didn't want them always wondering or wishing that they had gotten to see him when they had the chance.  So, I had her bring his body back in and all the kiddos got to see him.  No one got upset or grossed out or scared in any way.  They were curious and very interested that this was the body of their baby brother.  I think it will be some years before any of them really get the depth of it all, but I'm glad they got to see him in this way.  I wish that I had had the presence of mind to take a picture with all of them.  I would have liked to have them all in at least one picture.

I left with a heavy heart.  I hate the thought of his little body being burned to ashes, but I hate the thought of it just decaying in some grave somewhere, too.  I know we made the right choice in going about it this way.

When we got home, I felt a sense of relief even though it was a very hard thing to have to do.  I'm relieved his body is no longer at the hospital and that it is being treated honorably and all those arrangements are taken care of, but it is very wrong to have to make these arrangements for our child.  Just wrong.

Okay...

Today was the day our baby's body was available to be released from the hospital lab.  I had an emotional day Sunday because I thought the release date was actually yesterday.  Initially, after I went through the miscarriage, I was pretty upset that Moses' body had to be kept at the hospital lab for 14 days and we had to wait to put his little body to rest.  Now, after that amount of time, I nearly don't want to have him go to get cremated because I feel like I am losing him all over again.  I keep having these momentary feelings of sheer panic like somehow I can run far enough away to where this isn't really happening.

Today, after talking to the funeral home, I found out that they are concerned that there won't be enough ashes because his little body is so small.  It was suggested that I bring a blanket with me when I come in tomorrow to finalize the arrangements.  So, I spent all day today finishing crocheting a blanket to be wrapped around my dead baby's body to make enough ashes to put into an urn.  Its not fair.  Everything inside me screams THIS IS NOT RIGHT and I just feel messed up.

During that call, I asked whether it would be possible to get his footprints and possibly take a picture.  They said the footprints shouldn't be a problem, though he might be too young to have actual lines and ridges.  The picture, however, is a wait and see.  She didn't want to promise that if his body hasn't stayed well preserved.  I will know more tomorrow.

I'm not alright.  I'm okay with being not alright.  I'm broken and hurt and in process right now.  I'm okay with that, too.  I cry often, but I am able to laugh, too.  I ache with wanting what I can't have right now.  I want to have my baby here with me alive and well and growing in my body and all of us looking forward to his birthday when we can meet him and hold him and be part of his life and growing process, but that's not going to happen.  I'm not okay with that, yet.  I may be someday, but not today.  I feel like ages have passed since all of this started and yet its only been a little over two weeks.  I feel worn and emotionally and physically ragged and sucked dry of normality.

I could play the blame game.  I could be mad at God that this happened, but I can't.  I know my God.  His heart is breaking right along side mine.  This is an injustice and I serve a just God.  This isn't His heart or part of His Kingdom.  This is destruction.  That's satan's m.o.  I'm not ready for all out war, yet.  I'm still grieving heavily, but I sense in my heart that there will be a day when I will be ready to go after miscarriage with a focused passion.  It just shouldn't be allowed to exist.  Its on the same plane with cancer and anything else on death's team.  It needs to be taken out and replaced with LIFE!

So right now and for as long as it takes, I'm going to be okay with not being okay.  I am going to be okay with the sadness and the tears streaming down my face and sobbing when I get overwhelmed with missing my little boy.  I'm also going to be okay that my life has to go on even though his is not.  It is okay that there are still things that are funny to me and make me laugh.  I have an amazing husband and 4 kiddos here with me now that need me to not be destroyed by this.  I need to not be destroyed by this.  That's a good thing and that's okay, too.

Our baby's death and the journey through the aftermath

It has been a week and I think now is a good time to get my story out.  I think I should start at the beginning...

Sam and I thought we were done for a while (as in several years) or completely with having babies.  My body needed a break and I was starting to enjoy the kids and going places with them and seeing them interact with each other.  Brea stopped nursing right around the year mark and she was now not needing as much marked attention from me.  She's been getting right in the middle of everything with her brothers and sister and its been great!  I was looking forward to the holidays and all the plans I had made.  It was going to be great!

Before I knew I was pregnant, I thought my extreme energy drain was due to getting ready to visit family over Thanksgiving and then the aftermath.  I just thought I was a little worn out.  So, I had already started resting more and keeping up with my eating so I could rebuild my energy levels.  After two weeks of feeling that way, I knew something else was going on.  A pregnancy test confirmed my concern.  I cried.

In all honesty, I was pretty put out with God.  I had felt like there was some sort of an understanding that He would give us a much longer reprieve this time and well, He had messed up my plans.  I also thought He was positioning us in our life for specific ministering purposes and being pregnant just made everything come to a stand still.  So, I didn't understand the purpose of any of that, either.  I was very frustrated.  I also didn't want to have to go through another pregnancy.  I have a hard time with different circumstances throughout my pregnancies and quite frankly didn't want to have to go through another labor and delivery.  Because it hurts! :)  I was really looking forward to a long, long break and that just didn't happen.

Sam wasn't thrilled at first, either, but he had a perspective change nearly right away.  He had to then deal with my yucky attitude.  Ew.  I think its important for me to say that the baby was never an issue for me.  I love our kids and was perfectly fine adding another one to our bunch.  I don't know exactly how I do this, but I see the pregnancy as separate from the baby.  I didn't want to have to deal with the sickness and the fact that Sam has to pick up my slack and do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids as well as go to work.  I really hate that part of it the most. :-/  I didn't want have to go through another time of not being able to go and do fun stuff with my family because I just didn't have the energy for it or physically it just wasn't feasible.  Again, I never had animosity towards the actual baby, even though I know the one isn't viable without the other. ;)

After about a week, we had our routine down and I was resigned to having to go through this pregnancy process once more.  I was able to keep the nausea at bay by chomping on sweet tarts and sour jolly ranchers, staying in bed for long periods of time and staying on top of my meals.  I was also already in the habit of going to bed waaay earlier than I normally do.  That kept me from going into the crazy spiral of anxiety, throwing up and then not being able to eat anything and not getting enough sleep.  I only threw up once and it was totally my own doing...involving my mouth guard, peroxide and not rinsing the mouth guard before I stuck it in my mouth.  yeah.

I had a midwife appointment with my fantastic midwife.  I thought I was not as far along as I apparently was due to being able to hear the heartbeat very well and right away, meaning between 10-12 weeks.  Since I wasn't going to do a sonogram until late pregnancy, it would be more apparent how far along I was at my next visit.  The uterus should be at a certain place and I should be feeling the baby move and kick.

About a week or so later, I was feeling some thumping.  Slight mostly, but some solid ones, too.  It just seemed to confirm that I was indeed farther along than I had guestimated.

So, on my next visit, sure enough, my uterus was at the 16 week mark.  She tried and tried to find the heartbeat, but she just couldn't.  I was still dealing with nausea for parts of the day and I was still feeling the thumping, so I wasn't concerned.  Also, its not uncommon for the baby to not cooperate in hearing the heartbeat.  I toyed around with scheduling a sonogram just to see what was going on and to make sure everything was okay.  I did have slight spotting on occasion from the beginning and it would clear up and then come back if I overdid it.  I thought I might have a placenta previa and the blood was from that.  I had had that with Braden.  It was slight, but it had formed a clot over my cervix and would leak out more than normal amounts of blood.  I still didn't think it was something to be concerned about and that it would clear up on its own if that was what was going on.

Fast forward a couple of weeks.  I was supposed to be 18 weeks and 2 days.  That was two Fridays ago.  The bleeding had been more consistent that week, but had tapered off again.  I had rearranged our school room that morning and knew I had overdone it, so I put myself on bed rest for the rest of the day to recuperate.  I was still feeling the thumping, but to be honest,  I had started to notice some anomalies.  First, my boobs had been starting their ascent into uncomfortable sizing like they alway do during pregnancy, but they seemed to kind of stop or plateau.  I thought that was odd, but thought it might just be my imagination.  Also, the thumping I was feeling was mostly in one area.  I did feel it in other places around my abdominal area, but very infrequently.  It was mostly on my lower right hand side.  Again, didn't cause much concern, just made me a little suspicious.

That Friday night, I stayed up just a bit longer than usual and noticed that the bleeding had increased and I had passed a few small clots.  I was concerned enough to call the labor and delivery department at the nearest hospital to talk it over with a nurse.  She said I would have to go to the emergency department because I wasn't 20 weeks yet, if I did decide to come in.  She could tell that I was wondering what the cause was, but that I wasn't overly concerned because I could still feel movement and I thought a previa was the culprit.  Plus, I hadn't had any cramping at all.   I decided not to go to the emergency room and to just rest more the next day and see if it would clear up on its own.  I went to bed and had a good night sleep.

The next morning I woke up and the bleeding had increased quite a bit and it was bright red.  I told Sam that I wanted to go ahead and go.  He would stay home with the kiddos and I would drive myself.  Right before I left the house, I passed a huge clot and it scared the mess out of me!  I ran out of the house.  I still hadn't decided which hospital to go to.  I could go to the Scott and White hospital in Temple which would be a good 30 minutes away or I could go to Metroplex which would be 15 mins away.  I was concerned with Metroplex because their facilities had been very antiquated until they partnered with Scott and White.  I didn't know what the status of their emergency room was because I hadn't been there in a while.  I decided to go ahead to Metroplex because it was closer and if Sam ended up having to come to the hospital, it would just be easier access.

On the way to the hospital, I just kept praying, "Please, not the baby, Lord, not the baby!"  In one moment, all that irritation and frustration had melted away and I would deal with anything just to have that sweet little baby be just fine.

I got to the emergency room and was still bleeding very heavily.  I had started to feel a little odd.  My energy was lessening and I had this strange sense of not being okay.  They were very efficient and I didn't have to wait at all.  They got me straight in.  They put me in an exam room and the nurse was very understanding and caring.  She was quite a character. :)  She also tried to find the heartbeat, but couldn't quite get it.  It did sound as though she had found it a couple of times but it was a faint sound and lasted only a second.  I had to wait for a while to get an ultrasound.  I was still bleeding, but I wasn't filling up a whole pad in an hour, so I was still hoping that it was all going to be okay.

I was brought in to have the ultrasound done.  A full normal one as well as a vaginal one had been ordered.  The tech said that it would take about 30 minutes to do the regular one and then if she needed to do the vaginal one it would take a bit longer for that one.  She took several measurements and I asked if she could see the baby and she said not really.  It took less than ten minutes for her to complete her process and then she looked at me and told me she had nothing to show me.  My heart sank.  She said it wouldn't take very long for her to put in her report for the doctor.  I was wheeled back to the exam room.  When I was left alone, I broke down.  I knew then that my baby was dead.

I called Sam and managed to give him the news between sobs.  He was heartbroken and so frustrated that he couldn't come up to the hospital right then.  He started calling around to see if anyone could come over to watch the kids so he could come and be with me.  Our sweet friend Eileen and her daughter dropped what they were doing and started over.  They were a good 30+ minutes away, though, so it would be a bit.

The pace picked up quite a bit after that.  I was put on a saline drip and the doctor came in and told me that the baby measured at 12 weeks according to the ultrasound.  He started citing statistics.  I know he was trying to help and handle a hard situation the only way he was trained, but I was wishing at that moment that he would just go into silent mode and get it all over with. (If you are reading this and you are a doctor or a nurse, please don't quote statistics at someone who is dealing with a miscarriage unless they ask you for them.  It doesn't help and only makes it worse.)

I was really hoping that Sam could be there with me during it all, but he couldn't come until someone traded places with him at the house. The doctor started the procedure.  He broke the little bag of water.  He was hopeful that he would be able to deliver the baby's body and the placenta there, so I might be able to avoid a D and C.  Again, no cramping at all through any of this.  When the nurse came in before the doctor to tell me the baby was indeed dead, I said, "Then what was I feeling?!"  She said it was most likely my uterus twingeing in preparation for the miscarriage.

They weren't saying much so I asked how long it would take for the baby's body to come out and he said it already was out.  I asked to see the body and they were rather reluctant, but I was insistent.  The baby fit into a little plastic specimen cup.  I could see the legs, but the rest of the body was covered with part of the placenta.  I asked if they could tell if the baby was a boy or girl and the doctor said that the baby was too young for him to tell.  I asked what they did with the body and whether I could take the baby's body home with me.  He said they had to send the body to the lab.  I told him I didn't want them to just throw the body away and that I wanted to make funeral arrangements.  They put specific instructions for the lab to call me to handle all of that after Monday.  I really hated the thought of my baby's little bitty body being kept in a lab in the hospital in an indifferent place in a specimen cup where his existence as a baby that had lived for a time isn't valued.  It really tore my heart up.

He had gotten most of the placenta out, but he couldn't get a piece of it out.  I was bleeding a lot by this time and they went ahead and scheduled me for a D and C.  I was having to wait a while for the procedure because it was the weekend and the O.R. team had to be called in.  I was in the exam room still and the nurse had come in to check on me and prep some equipment to put in a second iv just in case as I was getting off the phone with my mom.  She left the room and two seconds later, I felt like my body was on fire and then the edges of my vision started getting dark and and closing in.  I had the thought that I didn't want to die and go out like this and I pressed the call button with the little strength I had left and when the nurse answered, I tried to talk but I couldn't and so I managed to say help twice.  The nurses came in, took one look at me and went into emergency mode.  I had lost a LOT of blood, apparently. They tilted the bed way back to where I felt like I was upside down and then they moved me to what I assume is an emergency operating room or prep room.  It was larger with lots of lights.

 In the midst of all of that, I started shaking uncontrollably because I was freezing!  Once they had made the decision to schedule me for a D and C, I wasn't allowed to drink or eat anything, so it had been a while since I had had any water.  I kept saying I was really thirsty.  Another nurse came in and asked if I knew where I was and told me I had lost more than half of my blood volume and that they were going to give me a transfusion. (a first, never had a transfusion before)  I hadn't been able to keep my eyes open, but I hadn't conked out all the way either and could hear what was going on.  I looked to my right and recognized my friend's sister-in-law as one of my nurses.  That was comforting in all the chaos.  The nurse who had seen me since my arrival refused to leave me and so she was there all the way until I went to the O.R.!

Also, about that time, my doctor who would do the D and C procedure came in and I recognized him, too!  He was my OBGYN when I was pregnant with Zekey.  That, too, was comforting in a way because I was familiar with him.  I was hooked up to all kinds of sensors and had tubes and wires coming out of everywhere.

Sometime during all of this, our friends Jason and Lucy came in.  They had been in Round Rock on a weekend date and left right away when Sam texted them.  They asked if he wanted them to come to the house or to come to the hospital.  Since Eileen was on her way, he told them to come to me so that I wouldn't be alone.  It was such a blessing to have them there with me.

I was given another bag of saline and the blood and I did feel better after that.  I was still so, so thirsty though...my mouth was really dry.  I asked if I could have an ice chip to swish around in my mouth and that was permitted.  I was also still freezing!  I had 3 blankets on me, but I couldn't stop shaking....oh, I was so cold!

I can't remember exactly when, but I was also given a urinary catheter.  I'd had one before, but ugh... The putting it in was uncomfortable, but I was really not looking forward to the taking it out and having to pee on my own after that....OUCH!

The doctor attempted to make another try at getting the rest of the placenta to come out, but he wasn't able to get to it.  It was a very painful process.  That part hurt the most out of everything.  So, the D and C went ahead as planned.  I had to wait in the pre-op area for quite a while, but I was glad because our friend James drove Sam to the hospital and he came in and was able to be there with me for a bit before I was moved to O.R.  I was so relieved he was there and we were able to cry together and grieve a little bit.

I cried off and on as the realization began to set in that the baby was no longer inside me and was, in fact no longer alive.  I wasn't able to really grieve very much because of all the activity and craziness.

The anesthesia nurse came in to go over the possibilities for anesthesia for the procedure.  I told him I really didn't want an epidural due to my really bad experience with the one I had with delivering Braden.  He said they would most likely do one of two kinds.  One would be a sedation where I would likely not be responsive, but would be able to hear what was going on around me.  The other would be the general and I would be out completely.  I was concerned.  I had never had either.  I had always hoped I would avoid being put under because when I was much younger I watched an episode of 60 minutes or some show like that that showcased people who had been put under and woke up mid-operation and could feel everything but couldn't let anyone know that they were awake!  I felt like I might be one of those. ;)

Sam wasn't able to be with me in O.R. so the staff was really thoughtful and really good with communicating every step of the way.  They took Sam and our friends to the waiting room outside of the O.R. Recovery rooms to wait for me to come out.  I was wheeled to the O.R. and there was a bit of a funny situation.  The anesthesia nurse asked if I was okay with them cutting off my bra if the need arose.  I had been able to keep that and my shirt on the whole time.  I asked him if I could just go ahead and take it off before they got started because it is a favorite. :)  He said that was no problem and he totally understood because he had 4 daughters and he knew the price of those things!  Haha!  They had unhooked me from all the emergency area equipment so I was able to do that somewhat quickly.  It was interesting how each department has their own equipment and they change it all out...except the i.v. catheter.

After the bra had been taken care of, they hooked me up to all of their equipment and because I was still shaking uncontrollably from being so cold, they put the plastic sheet thing over my body and started blowing warm air under it.  I finally started getting warm and the shaking stopped.  That was another blessing!  I was given a second bag of blood and more saline.  I was watching them all busy prepping me when I started feeling light-headed again and dopey.  I thought I was heading into the blood loss fainting thing again, so I asked if I should be feeling that way and the anesthesiologist told me he had given me a little something to relax...sneaky!  Then, they put that face mask over my mouth and nose and told me to breath deeply.  I remember breathing twice and then nothing.

The next thing I remember is being woken up from a dream I can't recall.  I could hear them telling me to wake up and I was responding with a weird groaning sound.   They were wheeling me to the recovery area.  I was finally able to form words and I told the anesthesiologist that he could have left me under longer. :)  It was rather refreshing, in all honestly.

I'm not sure how long I was actually under, but the doctor came in right after I was set up in recovery and told me that the procedure only took about twenty minutes.  He said that as soon as he had prepped me, the piece of placenta came out on its own and he didn't have to do much else.  I have wondered a few times if it would have been fine to skip the whole D and C anyway and if it was like how the doctors have a tendency to be in a hurry to get the placenta out after you deliver full term and don't let it come out in its own time...

I don't know how long I was in recovery, but I was so stinkin' thirsty by then.  The nurse was so gracious and got me lots of ice chips and fed them to me.  I was VERY grateful.  I was wheeled to a different department and room where I stayed until I was discharged. Sam had to go back home for a couple of hours to relieve Eileen and wait for Juan and Donna to get there.  He had texted them and they packed and got on their way from San Antonio to stay with the kids overnight so that Sam could stay at the hospital with me.  Seriously, the family of friends we have is beyond amazing.  God has truly, truly blessed us in so many ways and one of the most astounding blessings is the group of people he has put into our lives and made into our family.  Without them, I would have gone through all of that physically alone!

I had two really great nurses taking care of me during the rest of my stay.  After I had been in that room for a couple of hours, I started asking when I could eat something.  I was put on a liquid diet, so I got some pudding to start before a tray was brought in with pureed chicken noodle soup and various drinks and more pudding and jello.  That was interesting, but the soup more than did the trick and I was good til morning.  Sam and I both got very little sleep.  I had to have my vitals and bleeding checked every two hours and had to be given a pill to help my uterus contract down to size every six hours.  I had also been given another bag of saline with pitocin in it.  I was also able to get the second I.V. that they had put in my right hand out.  It was a very sore spot and I was glad to be rid of it.  The catheter also came out and the dreaded burning the first few times of going to the bathroom began. :(  I was also supposed to get a final blood count done at 3 or 4 in the morning...

This was a hard time for me.  I cried a bunch.  I was going through all of the aftermath of giving birth to a baby without the baby.  My womb was empty and so were my arms and the emptiness in my heart was now very obvious.  Even though I knew I was going to be woken up plenty, I had a difficult time getting to sleep.  I cried for quite a while before I fell asleep and the constant waking took place.  I did get some sleep between checks, but when 6 am came around and I had to take the last of the pills, I couldn't go back to sleep and the crying started up again.

Sam and I were both eager to get back home.  The doctor came in and said my platelet count was high enough though my iron was on the low end of normal and I would have to eat lots of iron rich foods to get it back to where it needs to be.  I was given instructions to have complete rest for at least two days and increase my activity level as I felt I was able.  I have to have complete pelvic rest for 4 weeks at which time I have a follow up appointment and ideally no pregnancies for 4 - 6 months.

I was discharged by about 10:30 that morning.  Coming home was both relieving and sorrowful.  Again, I was faced with the reality that I had no baby to bring home with me.  Sam and Juan and Donna kept the kids pretty occupied so that I could rest.  Sam's mom came about lunch time and stayed until Friday.  The first couple of days were hard.  I hadn't had any pain whatsoever aside from the time trying to get the placenta out, but on the third day I was extremely sore and super sad.  I am so grateful that Sam's mom came and stayed as long as she did.  We also had two separate groups of friends bringing us meals.  I can't even express what a HUGE blessing that has been for us! We are so blessed and so grateful!

Sam took Monday off and I was so, so glad.  I really needed him to be home with me.  He did go back to work Tuesday and had a hard time because of the misguided comments that were made.  We know God has a plan and that our sweet baby is with Him for a reason and that compared to this world, he is in an astoundingly better place and that as much as we love our sweet baby, God's love is so much more abundant for him and we are eagerly awaiting the day when we get to meet him and get to know him.  But...let me express that what we have really appreciated, in the midst of the sadness and hurt, are the people who have just expressed their sorrow for our loss and given us a hug and either let us be or just hang with us and let things be what they are.  He is doing so much better now, though, and his grieving has produced a greater appreciation for the kiddos we have with us now and a deeper love for them.  He has expressed a sadness for the little hand that won't be held in his and not having the relationship and experiences he has been blessed to have with our other kiddos.  I think that will come up for the rest of our lives...

The director of the lab called me on Tuesday to discuss what needed to happen next.  I was so very impressed with the way he handled the call.  First, he always referred to the baby as "your baby" and not a specimen or fetus.  He was also able to tell us that we had had a boy.  I was really relieved to know because I was having a hard time figuring out a name.  We had had a sense that we were going to have a boy. : ) We have named him Moses and his possible middle name is Caleb.  He gave me all the info I needed to contact a funeral home and then gave me his cell number.  He said he wanted to be available to talk to me directly when I had made the arrangements.  That impressed me so much and was just one more blessing in the midst of the sadness.  He could have been quite another way and I'm so glad he wasn't.

I was really grateful for Sam's mom being there for support and information.  The first place I contacted for the purpose of having our little one's body cremated quoted me almost $750.00!  I thought that was a lot, but he explained that because the process was the same as an adult body, the cost was the same.  Sam's mom encouraged me to contact other funeral homes to see if that was consistent.  I called a second one and they asked me what week the miscarriage had occurred at and then quoted me $150.00!  That's quite a difference!  I then called a third one and I was sold on them.  They said it would be $100.00 and their manner and word usage was so much more endearing.  After a few calls back and forth, the funeral director shared that she had lost a child at the age of 2.  I just really felt peace about going with them and that they would treat our baby's body with dignity and the life that had been lived with value.

The baby's body has to stay at the lab for two weeks and then it will be released to the funeral home. We have a little less than one more week to go. We have decided not to have a service at this time.  We plan to buy some land in the country in the near future where we hope to build a home at some point.  We want to plant a tree along with his ashes as a memorial.  It will be nice to see the tree grow even though we won't be able to see our baby grow.  Its a very soothing, but bittersweet thought.

We are still on our journey through grieving.  I didn't really mention the kids reaction to everything.  They don't really understand all the way, but they do know that the baby I had in my belly is dead and that he isn't in there anymore and that he is waiting in heaven with Jesus to meet us one day.  Braden has been praying for another baby that will live for me.  I think he understands that there is sadness about it and he doesn't like to see me sad, but it doesn't quite get all the way to him because he was rather removed from it all.  Zekey has expressed sorrow and is solemn when talking about the baby.  Ailey has had the strongest reaction.  It took many days of talking about the baby not being alive and then one day she said what if she were in my belly and she died and that sort of thing.  We talked about all of that and I think she understands to the extent that a 3 yr old can.  Its still early days yet for us, but I do think we are healing well and not in a hurry.