It would have been about this time...

My due date, Moses' birthday would have been right about this time...I'm really missing him right now.  He's not here with us to be a part of our daily routine or special fun things we go do as a family.  My heart is just so full of feeling every bit of his absence.  I have several friends who are having babies in this time frame.  Of course I don't begrudge them their happiness at welcoming their new little ones into their families, but it makes me very sad that I am not able to share in that type of joy now.  I hope that one day, seeing a mother and her newborn won't cause my heart to grieve quite so heavily and I'll be able to freely rejoice with those bringing new life into this world.  It also hasn't helped that I've been so busy lately that I haven't had a lot of time to myself and haven't really been able to grieve very much.  Mostly late at night when I'm already exhausted.  At least its something...every little bit counts and helps.  Even though it has been 5 months, its still as raw and present as ever.  Again, I don't think it will ever lessen, so much as I will learn how to do life including it better.  Well, at least at times.

Lately, I've been asked quite a lot by random people how many children I have.  I have been at a loss as to how I should respond.  On the one hand, I don't ever want it to seem like Moses didn't exist or that he doesn't count in an incredibly huge way in our family and specifically my heart, but on the other....well, I don't always feel like explaining myself or getting into details that still hurt so very much.  Sam came up with a good way of saying it, I think.  We have one child at home and four here with us. :)  I may get more than I bargain for in response to that, but I'm going to see how it fits.  It may be more than I can really deal with at this point, but then again it may be exactly what I need to say.

So, Happy might have been Birthday to my sweet little Moses.  I love you and miss you.