I went to the funeral home today and picked up Moses' ashes. The heart capsule is bigger than I expected and heavy for its size. I was also given the cremation tag. It may sound strange to want to keep something like that, but its just one more thing having to do with him that I can have as a keepsake.
I was glad to be able to have his remains in our care, but I nearly didn't want to go because it meant that it had really happened and that there was a finality to it all. I think when we bury his ashes at some point in the future, I will encounter this emotional dilemma again.
When I got back out to the car with the box in my hands, I just broke down. It still hurts so much.
I haven't said what funeral home we used because I was waiting for the entire process to be completed. I want to say that we had the best experience possible under the circumstances, I believe, with Heritage Funeral Home in Harker Heights. Both the funeral director and office manager were open and honest and very caring and not emotionally detached, yet still professional. That's a pretty amazing mix in my opinion. Even if they had not been the least costly place to use, I would have gone with them because of their manner in relating with me and my family through all of this. I hope to never have to meet with them to use their services, but I am grateful they were available for when we did need them. I'm also grateful they are both women. I don't think I could do what they do, but being able to relate to women in this situation made all the difference for me for sure.
When I got home, I gave the box to Sam. He was able to grieve a little more as well. I'm grateful we are in this season of our lives in the grieving process and not in an earlier one. I don't think we would have handled it anything like we are now.
There have been a few days where I think I must be getting used to all of this somehow. That I am starting to incorporate the fact and reality of it all in who I am now and my life in general. I think that is happening to a degree, but the tears are always right under the surface. I'm only one reminder or thought away from sobbing or tears coming in streams. The loss and ache isn't gone, though I think I'm handling it differently now. I find myself not wanting to cry, to be done with that part of it, but at the same time not. I don't want to leave this time behind me. I don't know that that is really ever possible. It is again an encounter with a sense of finality and I'm just not ready for that yet. I want to be able to come to a place where my emotional awareness and response to it all is not separate from everything else. Right now its a bit compartmentalized. I don't want to be around anyone because I still want my grief to be private. I don't want to have to make an emotional expenditure to explain why I'm sad or to encounter and respond to someone else's pity or sorrow for me and my loss. It makes me weary and exhausts me to make those connections with others right now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful there are so many hearts that care for mine and what I've lost, but at the same time, I nearly don't want to share it. Its mine and I want to take the time to keep it for me for a while. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone other than me.
Its a strange thing to want to have public outings or events proceed in a normal manner as far as everyone else involved is concerned and yet not have any sort of expectation on myself from me or anyone else to respond in my usual way. I don't know if my usual way will ever quite be the same again anyway. That will get worked out in time, I'm sure.
I'm finding it difficult to be in corporate worship just yet. My mourning hasn't been turned to dancing or my tears to joy just yet. I believe they will be in a way at some point. I feel cut off from my heart joining with every one else's for now. I don't think that's a bad or wrong thing for this part of this season, just a fact of where I am in my process. I'm good with that. I still need time for some things to be able to "be" in me in a peaceful and content way. I think that's what I'm looking for. A change from my current state to being content with all that has happened. I don't know what that looks or feels like for me, yet.