Saturday, December 20, 2008

State of mind

Apparently, I'm in a bit of a mood.  Since, I don't have my usual sounding board available to me at this time and it always helps me to get this stuff out and in the open, I'm just going to write about it all.  Please, understand that I will be fine, I'm just needing to sort it all out and this is how I'm gonna do it.  

Last night, right before I went to bed, I started having issues.  I couldn't get my heart to stop racing and I was worrying about my kids.  This is something that I frequently have to deal with while pregnant.  So, I just started praying and giving them back to God because He is who they belong to anyway.  I know I've written about our choice to give how many kids we have to God before.  Even though we know that it is the absolute right thing for us to do, I still have a tendency to think about the world we are bringing our kids into, how I don't want to be pregnant for years and years to come, how are we going to be able to add yet another child.  That type of thing.  (Let me clarify, that these are fears that prey on my mind and they are totally not of God and I have to battle them diligently!  The truth is that God gives life and He brings these babies into this world with all of its imperfections and craziness with His purpose.  He will give us what we need to add another child to the mix and He will provide that my body is able to carry whatever number of children He gives us.  I also believe that it is quite appropriate to ask him to give us a time in between children for a reprieve.  That is where I always end up and I am getting back to that place of resting in Him, sometimes it takes longer than others.) It took me quite a while to get to sleep and ended up being yet another night that I didn't get much sleep or rest.  This is about the fourth night in a row.  Basically, here's how it all started out.  Since Sam has been working such long days and I have had the kids most of the day without any help, my tendency is to want to stay up a bit later after everyone else goes to bed to kind of have some time to myself.  The trouble with that is, since I've been preggo, my body needs to get more sleep than that.  I've ended up not getting to bed until after ten for the last week and it is obviously taking its toll.  Normally, I would get to bed by 9:45 and even though I get up during the night because of bladder purposes, I still end up getting sufficient sleep.  Well, when it rains, it pours!  On the nights that I've gone to sleep past 11, Braden has woken up during the night for some reason or other and that's on top of the having to get up to go to the bathroom, plus all the coughing and mucus mess I've been dealing with.  Anyway, bottom line is: I'm nearing exhaustion.  Mostly my fault and some circumstantial.

Then, yesterday, I took the kids to daycare for a few hours so that Sam could have time to move some things out of the rv and I could wrap all the Christmas presents.  When I got there, I found out that Zekey's teacher had died yesterday after not making it through a medical procedure.  I didn't know her well at all, but all the teachers were taking it very hard and they were all very sad and their sadness got to my heart.  So, I'm sad for them.  Also, I was going to the post office to mail a couple of packages and had to roll the windows down to get exhaust fumes from a vehicle in front of me out and ended up rolling the passenger side window all the way down before I realized it.  Now, as I thought would happen, it refuses to come back up.  Yeah.  We have a trash bag over it now, but are going to rig it in a different way with clear plastic instead.  Not that I particularly care what our vehicle looks like to others, but I must say that it is getting ghetto-licious!  Really, we have to laugh or we'd end up crying!:)

I've also been doing a lot more during the day than I should being this tired.  I've been trying to get some things done and not really resting at all.  I'm not really able to take naps during the day, cuz I can't take just an hour nap, it ends up being at least two hours or more and I wake up so stinkin' grouchy and moody and it takes another hour for me to wake up all the way.  Its pitiful, I know, but its the plain truth of the matter.  Therefore, I do not take naps.

So, I've gotten myself into a cycle of little sleep, lots of tiredness and as I've said before, that is when I am at my weakest and the enemy, of course, knows this.  So, I'm going to continue to pray and ask God for rest and restoration.  I'm going to continue to ask for renewal of my mind and I'm going to make myself go to bed at a decent hour while at the same time slowing down and not trying to do things that are not a priority.

Also, today, I have to go to walmart to get some things and would love your prayers!  I can't stand going grocery shopping anywhere around the holidays, but walmart is by far the worst and unfortunately, they have what I need and I have to go there!  Yuck!

Thanks for reading and being my sounding board today!  Its really helped a bunch.  Its always good for me to be able to name all of the things going on and know that it is all just stuff and it will pass and my God is bigger and way more powerful than anything that tries to come against me!  There's also always a growing experience.  So, there you have it.  Gotta go brave the crowds at the store now.......aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!


Nessa and Jeebs said...

take b vitamins- i pretty insane these days too- i'm glad i'm not the only one :)

Mzzterry said...

we all need prayer before going to walmart these days! hang in there, you will come out on the other side, that I know for sure! God is good.